Christmas

Christmas has come and gone and it was both an amazingly fun day and an incredibly stressful one. It was so great to have two little ones to experience Christmas with. Every small detail was something to behold and wonder over. From hanging the stockings, to putting up the manger, and especially decorating the tree. And boy, once gifts started to arrive under the tree did their eyes light up.

Santa was both someone to enjoy and, at least for Samantha, someone to fear. Everytime we saw Santa Samantha would begin to say, "No, No, No! No, Santa!" That even extended to the stuffed Santa ornament hanging on the tree. I actually had to move it to the back of the tree because it caused her so much 'fear'. She was very excited about Santa, though, once she got to open some gifts and her Christmas stocking. Now she walks around saying, "Thanks, Santa!" I so absolutely loved watching her opening gifts and excitedly helping to hand gifts to others. So far she seems to really love her Fisher Price Little People House that makes household noises (such as flushing toilet, ringing phone, doorbell, etc.) and plays with that often. She also loves her vacuum and other cleaning supplies (talking broom, dustpan, and trashcan). It's been great to watch and play with her.

Joshua also enjoyed Christmas quite a lot. However, the build-up seemed to be too much for him and we have had quite a few weeks of increased tantrums and severely problematic behavior. It extended to a significant tantrum on Christmas eve, resulting in the loss of 'Santa Privaleges'. I think it was probably harder on me than him, but we followed through and he didn't open anything from Santa this year. Luckily Santa only brought two gifts for each child, so he didn't have to endure Samantha opening tons of gifts from Santa. And he was able to partake in the rest of the gift opening. He is however, earning some of his gifts to play with by having good bedtime routines. I'm really trying to figure out what is triggering such difficult bedtime routines, but I know it's going to improve. I think we're just cycling again. I'm beginning to realize that that's just going to be part of growing up, right? And he has connected the loss of Santa gifts with his behavior and he has stated that he needs to listen to mommy so Santa will know next year to come. He is so cute about it. He's in a period of learning life lessons it seems. And doing well with them.


I enjoyed contiuing many of the traditions I grew up enjoying with my mom. We made sugar cookies, and decorated them which was, of course, the most fun. Trying to keep the kids from eating all the decorations, and Samantha from eating the cookie dough before she finishes decorating them and they are baked. I looked up at one point and she had a whole mouthful of raw cookie dough in her mouth and such an adorable grin on her face. Joshua kept 'accidentally' putting too much of the sugar sprinkles on his cookies and having to help 'clean' it up by eating them. It was a lot of fun. I also really enjoyed picking out special ornaments for each of the kids for the tree. My mom used to give me and my brother a new ornament every year for the tree. I still have a lot of them and use them to decorate the tree with. I so treasure them each time I bring them out to hang on the tree. I'm hoping Joshua and Samantha will treasure the beginning of these memories and traditions too.

Once Christmas day was over, I wanted to get the house back in order as quickly as possible, mostly because I am hoping the normalcy of things will help reduce Joshua's anxiety level and we'll see improved behavior again. Also, I'm really in the mood to declutter and organize the house and I wouldn't have been able to get started until the Christmas stuff was put away so, the day after Christmas away it went. It wouldn't have been put away that quickly, but Zadick was over and offered to help while the kids were napping so I took advantage of the help and amazingly, it was all away and cleaned up within the naptime of that afternoon. So I sit now, with my house ready to be organized and the kids enjoying their new toys, as well as their original toys and just loving our time together. I hope you were blessed with fun and joy at Christmas too!

Steps

Today was the day that I signed all the paperwork involved in the adoption process with my children. It was amazing. As the knock came at the door and the county's adoption social worker arrived, my heart began to beat faster and I was filled with joy and excitement over what was about to come. As we sat and chatted, waiting for the agency adoption worker and my friend (who was going to take pictures) I looked at the pile of files she had and realized how significantly my life was going to and had already changed.

I've been a foster mother for 3 years now, but today I became an adoptive placement mother. It's semantics and doesn't change what I do day to day, but it feels so differently. When I picked up my children from school, I looked at them and realized that the step I took today meant forever, not only for me, but for them too. Joshua won't have to go to another house again, and he won't have to wonder if he or his sister is leaving whenever we have a visit by the county social worker. Samantha will never have to know another mother besides me. We are truly going to be a family.

As I signed the multiple forms and copies of forms, I realized that my dreams were coming true. From the time I was a young child I have known one thing in life, that I wanted to be a mom. I babied and cared for my dolls like cherished children; changing them, feeding them, singing and loving on them. As I grew up I dreamed of making a home, having a husband and children and creating a family. I even imagined having a little boy and a little girl, hoping the boy would be older because every little girl needs a big brother. My life seemed to be heading in that direction, and when my marriage started to crack and eventually fall apart, I wondered how I was supposed to make that happen. When I realized I was being called to share my heart and home with foster children I still didn't fully think of adopting as an option for me as a single mother. It wasn't part of 'my plan'.

It's funny now, when I think about 'my plans' and how God must be chuckling up in heaven at all the plans we make, wondering when we're just going to stop and listen for His plans. Well, I should have realized early on that God's plan was a little different from my own. You see, I was only supp0sed to have little girls as foster children. That's what I requested and that's what I told people I would probably get. I had so many clothes sent to me by friends for little girls and I was ready to love and spoil them when they came. Then my first little guy came and I thought, okay, I got into fostering to provide a home for a child in need and if a little boy needs me then so be it. Then, he left and my next little boy came and I though, hmm...Lord why am I only getting boys. Where's my girl??

Around this time I started to wonder if I should truly start to consider adoption because I hadn't finished ending my marriage (nothing was happening, and we apparently are a little lazy or something about it) and I obviously hadn't met anyone else and was beginning to wonder if I was running out of time to have the family I wanted. I began to think that I could adopt a little girl, and could handle that without a husband if I needed to. Well, lo and behold, as soon as I decided this, I was FINALLY presented with an opportunity to get a little girl. She was a lot younger than I had originally considered (I thought I should only take toddlers so infants wouldn't have to go to daycare) but she was available and possibly heading towards adoption. So I jumped at the chance. Of course then I discovered what God had been preparing me for. They told me that she had an older brother and the county wanted to place them together.


Just like that I had my little boy and my little girl. But as with most things, it wasn't as simple as that. We've had many ups and downs, many times when I was terrified that they were going to be sent back to their biological parent(s). Other times I wondered what I was supposed to do if they weren't. Times when I wondered how I was going to manage to care for them and love them and provide for them everything that they need. I was always so worried about being what I thought they needed me to be. Again, I think God was often chuckling at me and waiting for me to just stop and trust Him; to realize that He was always going to be not only what I needed but what they needed. And that He would give me what I needed in order to give them what they needed. And when I finally did this, things started to click along and, although not always smooth, I truly began to see the light and that this could really happen.

So today, as I signed those forms I realized again, that God has known all along what he was doing and he was preparing me for just this moment. I wasn't meant to have my little girl until right now, and that my previous little boys were helping me to be ready for this little guy. I still struggle with believing that I can be as good a boy mommy as I can a girl mommy, but I know that I love these two precious gifts from God more than I could possibly ever have known. I am so happy and so blessed. In a few months it will be complete and final (legally) and I am so thrilled. What a difference a year (give or take) makes and how amazing it is the way God so carefully and amazingly orchestrates every step.

Fall Update

It's been a while since I've posted anything. I think after my last post, or shall I say rant, I just didn't have it in me to say anything else. But in doing so I realize I've neglected to share some of the good things going on in my life.

October was lots of fun and started with a trip up to Parrish Pioneer Ranch and the other fruit farms near there. I had taken the kids up there with the hopes of picking some fresh fruit, particularly apples, but discovered that the farm that we could actually pick fruit on was the last farm not on all the little farms or stands that we stopped at on the way there. But we had a great time and really enjoyed the trip.

The Halloween season was upon us and it was fun to enjoy that with the kids who were old enough to have fun with it. We picked our pumpkins from the Cal-Poly Pomona pumpkin patch and enjoyed a day painting them. Then we had a superhero themed event for Halloween, and Joshua was Spiderman (originally going to be Superman but the outfit was chintzy) and Samantha was Supergirl, and our friend Sarah was the Flash. My bow to the event was to wear a pair of Minnie Mouse ears from Disneyland. We went to our church's Harvest Festival and did some Trunk or Treating and collected lots of candy and played some games. We didn't stay long because everyone was just getting over being sick, but it was fun.

November was a fun month too, with nothing too specific. I enjoyed lots of time with the kids and enjoyed taking them on walks and playing outside. They are both growing so quickly and I love to watch them trying out new activities and skills. Samantha, I have discovered, is incredibly clever and bright, but also amazingly stubborn. I really have to work hard to handle her misbehavior or misadventures, because she's so adorable and cute with them. She's so quick to say, "Sorry Mommy." and come over to give me a hug and kiss. She's in the process of potty training, and is just starting to wear training pants at school while still in diapers at home (although we do training pants too) and is doing really well. Joshua is growing and doing well with fewer and fewer major outbursts. He's really enjoying school and learning a lot, although his usually comment when I ask what he did at school is, "markers!" We had a little trouble with the teachers using his name (due to it not being legally changed just yet) and they were calling him by his name, Joshua, but having him learn and write the letter S all the time and writing his middle name (Samuel) on all his artwork. It was pretty frustrating for me and sad for him, but we're getting to the end of that now. He LOVES to take pictures and whenever I have the camera out, or even if I don't, he'll stop and pose and ask me to take picutes of him. He is pretty amazing in his posing abilities and I get some really cute shots of him. He's such a love and a joy to have.


The adoption process is moving right along and I found out this past Tuesday that the paperwork is back from Sacramento and on Monday I'm signing all the adoption paperwork and they will be submitted for finalization, ordering new birth certificates, and finishing up what has been an amazingly long and stressful and joyful process to became the mother of my two beautiful children. I am both so excited and overjoyed, but also a wee bit scared. I was near tears on Tuesday when I got the call and absolutely cannot wait for Monday. I can't believe in a few short months I will be legally and completely the mother of these two little ones, although I know that I have already been their mother even if not legally. We will certainly be celebrating and I'm really looking forward to that too.

I was going to add pictures, but some reason, they wouldn't upload, so here is the update for the past two months anyway.