Daniel Fast: Day 4 (written on day 5)

It's day 4 and I've made it. It's pretty amazing what I've been learning since I started my fast. The first thing, the more trivial thing, which surprised me (and frustrated me) was that I am in fact capable of changing what I eat and showing more control in my diet. I will hold this information tight to use in the future when I find myself struggling with eating and/or exercising issues. Physical discipline IS attainable. I will have no further excuses for why I'm not taking better care of myself physically.

However, the spiritual discipline, the reason I'm truly participating in this fast is more difficult. As much as I want to be closer to God and hear more from Him, I think that close, intimate relationship can feel hard, impossible to attain, and even scary. What if He shows me more than I'm prepared for? What if He tells me something I don't want to hear? What if I don't hear from Him at all? And how? How do I pray more? Read the Bible more? Understand more of what God wants me to be aware of? And what if I do it...shh...wrong?

But what I've learned in the 4 days that I've been doing this fast is that God is completely tuned into me and my needs. He knows exactly where I am and what I need to hear from Him. Everyday this week I have become aware of something he wants me to know. Whether it be through a conversation with a friend or near stranger, a book I'm reading, the completion of projects or journeys I've been waiting for, I'm suddenly seeing and hearing things from God that are so exciting. And it's not because God finally decided to talk to me, but it's because I've finally decided to stop and listen. And although I know I'm still not listening as fully as I can, praying as often as I should, and spending time in the Bible as much as I could, God knows my spirit. He truly knows that my spirit is longing for Him and for more of Him and He's using this fast to increase my sensitivity to Him so that I can grow confident in my ability to more truly hear from Him and trust Him and lead the life He truly wants for me. I am so thankful for this fast and these lessons. What will God show me next?

This was a difficult blog to write because I was also writing it for the blog my church is posting and there's all these thoughts about who's going to read it, etc., etc. And I missed writing last night. Interesting.

Daniel Fast: Day 3

I was at Costco this evening doing my regular monthly shopping in addition to buying specific foods for my fast. As I was there I was mentally planning how I was going to eat and what I was going to do with the various items I was buying. I found myself fully focused on the food aspect of my fast, and once again lacking on the spiritual aspect. I don't know why that happens. I really want to do this to grow closer to God but find myself being busy thinking about the food aspect. I'm really glad I'm doing this for three weeks instead of three days because I think I'm really going to need the time to discipline myself spiritually.

I have discovered, though, that even when I don't think I'm spiritually connected to God, he's still connected to me and trying to communicate with me. Twice today, He opened my eyes and mind to things that I believe he's been trying to show me. It started at my monthly staff meeting during which my pastor shared a little bit more about the fast and then encouraged us to be specific about why we're fasting and what are we asking God for. He said we should be looking in three areas, ourselves, our families, and our community. As he's speaking I feel (?) hear (?) discover (?) that what God wants from me is to LET GO!!! Let go of my fear and fully place my trust in Him. This is in many areas of my life, but I feel the Lord really telling me trust Him with my children. I think that as we've gotten closer and closer to permanancy, I've been more and more afraid of losing them. I have horrific thoughts of the many 'what if' scenarios and I'm more and more anxious about it. And in my meeting while I'm sharing this I'm near tears because I realize that this is it. This is what I have to focus on and work on and ask for help from God with.

So I was feeling pretty good about this...revelation of sorts, when I was showed another one. While I was in Costco a woman came up to me and said "Hi Micaela." I didn't immediately recognize her, but responded with a friendly hello. It turns out we worked together quite a few years ago. She asked how I was and we went through the general friendly how are you, etc. All this occured in a minute or two. We didn't really talk about what I was doing now a days, other than for me to say I was doing well. As she turned to walk away she stopped and said to me, "You're lucky to be where you are now." Not so much I was lucky not to be back at my old job (although that was part of it too) but truly that I was lucky to be exactly where I'm at right now. My job, my home, the kids, relationally, etc. I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be. It was such a comfort for me to hear this and to sense this was truly what God was trying to show me and has been trying to show me. I know I've been questioning Him and doubting, but wow! I heard it today. It has really soothed my spirit. And I know that I am only able to discover these things and hear these things from God because I am taking steps to listen to Him and seek Him. And although I don't feel like I'm doing all the right things spiritually, God knows my heart and wants me to be encouraged anyway. I'm so excited!

Daniel Fast: Day 2

7:01 p.m.: So far I haven't fallen off the wagon food wise. I've eaten salad, hummus, matza crackers, baked potatoes, apple sauce, and been drinking only water. I find myself hungry at weird times, but not overly starving I guess. My frustration thus far is this: how do I truly tune into God? I know I'm supposed to use the times when I'm hungry or not eating something I would normally eat to spend time with God, but I have a hard enough time being quiet with God when I'm not hungry...being hungry doesn't help. Which I guess is the point. So although I'm doing okay with the actual food portion of the fast; I'm not doing so well with the spiritual portion. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself, physical discipline is often much easier to attain than spiritual discipline, I think. Well, I'm off to have a banana and try to spend some time in the Word.

Daniel Fast: Day 1

12:20 p.m.: My Pastor is leading and encouraging a church-wide Daniel Fast for the next 21 days. I have never successfully fasted and have felt like I both wanted to and like I should, but could never figure out how to, or what to, ect., etc. I know at the core, my failure to complete a fast previously has been around two things: 1) having no clear purpose for my fast; and 2) giving up too many things at the same time. This year I'm very excited about this opportunity and am using it to intentionally work on three areas in my faith: 1) increasing my obedience to God; 2) increasing and improving my prayer time; and 3) growing closer to God.

The last time I tried to Daniel fast I knew my spirit was not right for it because I was looking for shortcuts, ways to still eat what I wanted. I was so excited to figure out that popcorn was accepted because it's still corn; or that a potato was cool because it falls in the veggie catagory. Although both those things are true, I knew I was simply looking for easy ways to finish what I started, and if I lost weight at the same time, cool. This time, I'm really focused on doing it right. Not the legalistic right, but the spiritually right. For instance...I should really only have organic, no sugar added peanut butter in the Daniel Fast. However, I have a lot of regular Jif peanut butter. I can't justify buying another jar at this time when I have so much of the other, so I will either go without it for the duration of the fast, or use it sparingly if absolutely needed (although I can't fathom a time with peanut butter will be absolutely necessary).

So today is day one for me. I didn't realize it would be until the middle of service when I just decided that this was it. Most people at the church are starting tomorrow but I'm starting a day early in order to end two days early for my kids birthday party. I may end up continuing through their party, I'll see where the Lord leads me. I got home and it was time to make lunch for the kids. Suddenly I was starving and where previously I would eat the same thing (PB&J and yogurt today) I realized I hadn't planned for anything and needed to wait for them to go down for their naps. I was getting more and more anxious about it, knowing I needed to prep my salad dressing and thinking now what? How can I have a salad at lunch if the dressing hasn't had time to mix...etc., etc. And there it was. The questioning and doubting of this. Anyway, I finished the kids lunch, got them down, and had a banana. I will prep the dressing for later, and have some approved crackers and hummus for now.

I will be doing a post each day with additions at various times. I'm hoping to gain some good insight as I do this and hear from God, so here it goes!

7:40p.m.: Good day overall. I was surprised that I enjoyed the hummus and crackers so much; I may have a little more before the night is over. I made a yummy salad and dressing for dinner and paired it with a plain baked potato. I admit that I am hungry and would like to have something more. But I think that's how it's supposed to be a bit. I'm going to spend some time focusing on God and my reasons for fasting, and then prepare for tomorrow.

The New Year...the New Me?

I was prepared to start this year with ambitious, yet attainable, goals. With clearly defined and outlined plans to achieve these goals and the desire and motivation to start working on the plan. Like many people, I saw the end of, not only a year but a decade, as an opportunity to look at where I was, where I wanted to be, and to evaluate how to continue moving towards where I want to go. With weeks to go in 2009, I was feeling compelled and confident in some small steps I was already taking. Exercising more, eating better, organizing, and spending specific and deliberate time with my children.

I felt God confirming these thoughts, feelings, and plans for me when my pastor's sermon on the last Sunday of 2009 was on "How to Live an Intentional Life". He had simple, but for me, thought provoking comments. It started with the statement "Your past events in life should not make your future." Of course not, I thought. That's simple and so clear. But then I looked at my life and the decisions I was making everyday and I saw, very clearly, how I was still letting past events in my life determine my future. Things that I should've let go of, changed, improved upon, were all there. Impacting me, preventing me, and challenging me to stay stuck in the same spot I had always been in.

My pastor went on to state that "Anything that is worth anything in life must be done intentionally." Again I thought, again, of course. But once again I stopped and asked myself how am I doing that? What am I doing with intentionality to take my life where I want it to be? He gave a few clear and, again, simple steps: 1) Identify your priorities; 2) Invest in these specifically; and 3) Invest in them EVERYDAY. And that's when it hit me. It's not only about figuring out what's important, because I've done that and that really hasn't changed in years. My priorities have been (to put them simply) Faith; Family; Ministry; and Health. And each year, and each month, and maybe even each week, I think about these and what I'd like to see happen with them. I have daydreams, both grand and small, about what it looks like to succeed or achieve goals in each of these areas. But I wasn't consistently and specifically investing in them. And I certainly wasn't doing it daily. I left church that day with renewed hope and passion, and the certainty that God was prompting me and showing me that I was finally there, finally ready to live the life he has in store for me.

I started right away, I figured why wait for the new year? That's just a date, just an excuse to wait. I began a few organization projects that, once completed, would free up both mental and physical energy and allow me to more fully focus on more important topics. I signed Joshua up for an activity and made alternative plans for Samantha so that he and I could have regular and intentional time together. I was eating better and not feeling deprived, I exercised and was excited to do it again. I truly felt both an internal physical shift as well as a psychological shift of readiness. I couldn't wait for 2010! Not because the date change would change anything specific,but it just seemed so exciting to be moving forward, and such a significant date change seemed to go with that.

But boy, has 2010 gotten off to a different start than I imagined. On New Year's Eve, I recieved a call from a good friend of mine stating that she was going to be admitted on a 5150 hold to the psychiatric hospital due to suicidal ideation. Although very sad for her, I've gone this route with other friends and family members and knew that this was probably going to be good for her ultimately and that, it would take time, but she would be okay. I, of course, continued to love and support her during this time (visiting and calling), only to have that questioned and villified by her family for being 'devisive' and 'taking her away from them' and asking me what I wanted from her. I began to question myself almost and wonder what was so wrong with offering support and love to someone who needs it and deserves it just for being who she is, and to truly wonder if I was wrong. I talked to another friend of mine today and she pointed out the fact that this family clearly doesn't know 'how' to love one another (which was confirmed by the family listing all the monetary ways they've 'loved' this person) and cannot understand how or why I would care about this person the way I do. That was so profound for me (and probably something I would've seen if not for being so close to the situation, thank God for good friends) and allowed me to release the sadness and anger I was feeling towards this family and the situation.

Additionally, already this year, I had a friend, who's a few months younger than me, with three children (4, 3, and 3 months) experience a heart attack on the 2nd and come very, very close to dying. This is a young woman in seemingly good health with no known risk factors who, doctors say, would have lost her life had she come in a few minutes later. When I recieved the call I prayed for her, and then sat in fear and wonder about her and how this could happen. Thankfully she is going to be okay, but since the first of this year, my spirit has stuttered a bit.

I realized how much everything was impacting me as I realized I wasn't sleeping well, and was pretty stressed, but wasn't entirely sure why. Both my friends were going to be okay and the rest of the drama would resolve itself, but for some reason I was anxious and stressed none-the-less. So my energy has been sapped, my motivation dropped, and everything just seemed overwhelming. So I'm taking a day or two to rest and get it all together, and to put this all away like it should be and hopefully see things come back together to where I was just a week or two ago.