Hello, my name is Micaela and I'm a packrat...

I'm sure somewhere, there's some 12-step program for people like me. People who can't seem to get rid of things, and think that there's a reason to keep almost anything. Now granted, I'm not as bad as many out there (nor, quite frankly, as bad as I used to be), but for me, it's still a problem. I was walking around my house today looking for a plastic container to sort and store some toys in. I looked from corner to corner and realized that I was using every one that I had and that for quite a few I couldn't even tell you what was in them! I literally have some boxes that have sat unopened in a corner for, oh let's say, probably over a year. Now I know that most people would say (and experts would agree) that if you haven't seen, worn, looked at, etc. whatever it is in over a year it can just be tossed in the trash. Well, I can't do that. I will have to open each box and look through it and therein lies my problem. Once I start looking at everything I'll think of a reason to keep it.

Sometimes it's for personal security reasons, i.e. a computer disk that I can't even use any more (none of my computers have slots for them) that I don't want to just toss because I don't know what's there. Or sometimes it's because it has some sort of sentimental value, but isn't something I can scrapbook. Or maybe I was collecting it for a reason, and now I don't know what to do with it, but I don't want to just throw it away. I really need to start a program where something goes where it's intended to go within the same day as opening it or I don't keep it! But that's so hard! Everything has some sort of meaning to me. And I just hate to get rid of anything. But I really don't like how easily messed the house gets because I'm holding on to things and utilizing both my storage containers and my space to keep things that I know I will probably never use in any way.

And books, I have shelves of them, and some boxes in the garage. I love to read and I'm a re-reader so I don't like to get rid of them. I often take some to the Book Rack where I can trade them in for credit and then get other books, but I also often just keep them and buy them new. Not good for the space or the pocketbook. But I do need to go through them and prepare a pile to take to the book rack.

I also have toys and games that I don't often allow the kids to play with or never use on my infrequent game nights so why do I keep them? If they can't play with them, why are they around? If i know I'm never going to play the game, why keep it? I will, however, say that I have gotten better in not saving the kid's clothes for 'special occasions'. What's the point of buying cute clothes and then saving them, right?

Well, I guess it's time to start sorting and tossing. I just have to do it...right?

One Year!!

Today it has been a year since my beautiful children were placed in my life. I remember the first moment I met both of them. Samantha was first, on Friday the 12th of September, and the minute I saw her, I knew she was mine. She was so sweet and interested and observant. I held her at the agency and talked to her and sang to her. She fell asleep in my arms and I was offered the opportunity for her to come home and spend the night with me. I jumped at the chance and she came home and we spent hours just getting to know each other. She met her Papa Z that day and Grandma Maria and Grandpa Phil. I bathed her and fed her and rocked her to sleep. The next morning she was just bright as can be and so joyful. It was so hard to have to send her back to her current home, even knowing she was going to come back in few days.


I met Joshua the following Monday, the 15th of September. He was so serious, but friendly. He was older and could understand a little bit what was happening. Even then he loved to read. We sat on the couch at the agency and read books together and I learned that he is inquisitive and smart and an eager learner. I got to see his beautiful smile and dimples and couldn't wait to get to know him more.


I picked up Samantha from the agency on Wednesday the 17th and felt thrilled to finally be bringing home a baby girl. I had wanted one from the beginning but received boys for placement. I know now, that God was preparing me for my little boy and showing me that I could be a good 'boy mom' just as much as I could be a good 'girl mom'. Driving home with her I felt such a rush of excitement. I had already been told that this was possibly an adoption case and I felt an immediate sense of permanency with her. We got home and settled her stuff into her room and waited for her brother, Joshua (although he was going by Samuel them) to join us. He came and was eager to explore the house and I remember the first time he saw our dog, Cinder, he was excited until she started walking towards him and then he ran to me and put his arms up to be picked up. What a joy to be able to help him feel safe with even such a small thing.

Over the past year I have learned so much about motherhood, love, and acceptance. There has been so much joy in loving these two little gifts from god. There has been some frustration in dealing with the system in which we're placed together. There has been pain in watching them (especially Joshua) have to figure out how to deal with their circumstances and the on-going losses surrounding their biological parents. I have learned that I have both a great deal more and a great deal less of knowledge, patience, and faith than I thought I had. But in all of this I have absolutely fallen in love with my kids and grown closer to God.


Every night I love to peek in on them before I go to sleep, say a quick prayer, and be amazed by these little developing people. Every morning I love to see their bright smiles (okay so it's not every morning, but still...) and feel so blessed to have them as part of my family. To hear Samantha calling out to me, "Mamaaa, mamaaa, mommy, Mama!, Mommy!, Mom! Mom!" as she grows impatient with waiting for me. To see Joshua poke his head out of his room in order to check if it's time to get up and then place his breakfast order, "Mom, today I want pancakes with milk!" To watch them as they bow their heads for prayer and Joshua says, "Thank you for my mom and for my sister. Amen!" I'm just amazed by them. Sometimes totally and completely frustrated, frazzled, and feeling defeated by them, but always amazed and just so blessed by them.

Our next court date is November 2nd, at which point parental rights should be terminated starting the final steps towards adoption finalization. I can't believe have far they've come and how far we've come together. I am so thankful for them and for every friend and family member who has loved them and supported them as we have walked through the past year. And I can't wait to see what the future will bring us!

Shifting Ideas

It's funny how life can begin to shift and change and suddenly the future seems full of significantly different possibilities. Right now, I think my life is in that process. For the past 2 years I have been working at/with my church in some capacity for our foster care ministries. When I came on board I was fully employed and working to establish our RFKC (a camp for foster children) as well as to open a foster family agency in efforts to recruit more families to serve as foster homes for the numerous children in the system. We successfully completed our 2nd camp this past July and have just certified two families in the last couple of weeks and are now waiting for placements.

The first year here, was simple in many ways, as we waited for our contract and I primarily worked on the camp. As the second year approached, and the timeline for the agency getting up and running seemed never ending, I had to begin looking at alternative ways to have an income while we waitied. So I began providing clinical supervision on a per diem basis, as well as teaching last fall at a local university. Around this time, I also took in my current foster children. As I looked at the finances of this situation, I realized it wasn't as solid as I had once been but it was still more then enough. As I headed into 2009 I realized that I had to change a few things. The kids (who were now looking as if they were heading towards adoption) needed more time and attention, the teaching was over and the remaining work at the university wasn't going to work out for me and so I did something a little weird. I gave up the part time supervisory roll with the university and took a step of faith.

The step of faith included depending on the Lord for my financial needs. It wasn't as if I was uncaring about my financial picture, but I just felt that everything would be fine. I had saved a little more in prep for this time, and I believed that things would come together. Well three quarters of a year have passed, and things have been tight, but fine, and slowly things were coming together. These past few weeks though have, not shaken me, but made me a little trembly. My roommate moved out, we hit a few more roadblocks in the agency, and my financial options looked a little scarier. So I've been praying lately for financial peace and security and waiting upon the Lord to tell me what to do. I don't feel called to end what I'm doing, but I don't know exactly what he wants me to do right now, except trust in Him. So that's what I'm doing.


This however leads me to a new point of direction that I'm wondering and praying about. As I've been establishing this agency, I've realized my ultimate passion is for my family. My ultimate prayer and goal is to be able to be a stay at home mom. And while that isn't an option now (being single and without a potential husband currently in sight) I have started to wonder what can I do to provide the kind of life I want for my kids and myself. It's amazing how having children (and for me that means coming closer to a finalized adoption) does to your thinking. I've always wanted out of Southern California. Idon't feel it, don't enjoy it, and have never 'loved' it. I've often thought of moving to Oregon. I don't know why, I've never been there, but have always wanted to live there. I know I like the idea of the weather, seasons, rain, clouds, those things make me happy. But it also seems like it would be a pretty place to live and have a sort of slower pace than SoCal. That's really what I'm looking for. So this idea has been kicking around in my head and heart for years now, but I really put it off as completely unthinkable and impossible.

But then last week I was just chatting with a friend about her family's plans and the topic of whether she'll stay in SoCal or not came up because of raising kids here. The idea of moving surged into my heart and mind again, and it just won't leave. I keep waiting for the "this is crazy" thoughts to come back, but so far, I only see how this could possibly work and why it might be good for the kids...and me. And that's my ultimate goal. The biggest thing holding me back is that I wouldn't really know anyone if I moved...pretty much anywhere. But then, as many people as I 'know' here, I still lack the community I want so why not just start all over somewhere else? What's truly keeping me here?

Now, I'm not planning on leaving tomorrow or anything, this is a year or two down the road. I have commitments here, that I am not feeling done with. And I've only started seriously praying and looking at options, but I believe this time around it could truly happen. And it's because I want something different for the kids. Joshua starts 'real' school in two years, and I don't know that I want him in school here. I don't know that it'll be Oregan at this point; Samantha will need a few more surgeries over the next few years and her medical coverage and medical team is down here in SoCal, so I need to be able to come down here as needed. Right now I'm looking at various NoCal locations. It's really exciting so be seriously considering this. To think about the fact that in my various roles right now, I'm not irreplaceable, and that there is a big world out there that I've thus far been too afraid to step out into to. Maybe God will tell me no on this. Maybe, something will fall into place down here in the next year, but truly, I feel like I'm at this point in my life where something is happening, something is coming, and life is going to fianlly be lived.

I look back over the past year and wonder now, if I had a lot of faith or was just crazy. I mean, on paper, the numbers just weren't going to add up. But I think that's what I had to experience to even be able to trust in and depend on the Lord now as things get a little harder, but also in order to even be strong enough to consider moving away from everything I've know and felt secure with. But, thanks to this last year, I know even more now, that I can trust and depend upon God to show me what to do and to provide for my needs. It's going to be a very interesting next year. And I can't wait.