Shifting Ideas

It's funny how life can begin to shift and change and suddenly the future seems full of significantly different possibilities. Right now, I think my life is in that process. For the past 2 years I have been working at/with my church in some capacity for our foster care ministries. When I came on board I was fully employed and working to establish our RFKC (a camp for foster children) as well as to open a foster family agency in efforts to recruit more families to serve as foster homes for the numerous children in the system. We successfully completed our 2nd camp this past July and have just certified two families in the last couple of weeks and are now waiting for placements.

The first year here, was simple in many ways, as we waited for our contract and I primarily worked on the camp. As the second year approached, and the timeline for the agency getting up and running seemed never ending, I had to begin looking at alternative ways to have an income while we waitied. So I began providing clinical supervision on a per diem basis, as well as teaching last fall at a local university. Around this time, I also took in my current foster children. As I looked at the finances of this situation, I realized it wasn't as solid as I had once been but it was still more then enough. As I headed into 2009 I realized that I had to change a few things. The kids (who were now looking as if they were heading towards adoption) needed more time and attention, the teaching was over and the remaining work at the university wasn't going to work out for me and so I did something a little weird. I gave up the part time supervisory roll with the university and took a step of faith.

The step of faith included depending on the Lord for my financial needs. It wasn't as if I was uncaring about my financial picture, but I just felt that everything would be fine. I had saved a little more in prep for this time, and I believed that things would come together. Well three quarters of a year have passed, and things have been tight, but fine, and slowly things were coming together. These past few weeks though have, not shaken me, but made me a little trembly. My roommate moved out, we hit a few more roadblocks in the agency, and my financial options looked a little scarier. So I've been praying lately for financial peace and security and waiting upon the Lord to tell me what to do. I don't feel called to end what I'm doing, but I don't know exactly what he wants me to do right now, except trust in Him. So that's what I'm doing.


This however leads me to a new point of direction that I'm wondering and praying about. As I've been establishing this agency, I've realized my ultimate passion is for my family. My ultimate prayer and goal is to be able to be a stay at home mom. And while that isn't an option now (being single and without a potential husband currently in sight) I have started to wonder what can I do to provide the kind of life I want for my kids and myself. It's amazing how having children (and for me that means coming closer to a finalized adoption) does to your thinking. I've always wanted out of Southern California. Idon't feel it, don't enjoy it, and have never 'loved' it. I've often thought of moving to Oregon. I don't know why, I've never been there, but have always wanted to live there. I know I like the idea of the weather, seasons, rain, clouds, those things make me happy. But it also seems like it would be a pretty place to live and have a sort of slower pace than SoCal. That's really what I'm looking for. So this idea has been kicking around in my head and heart for years now, but I really put it off as completely unthinkable and impossible.

But then last week I was just chatting with a friend about her family's plans and the topic of whether she'll stay in SoCal or not came up because of raising kids here. The idea of moving surged into my heart and mind again, and it just won't leave. I keep waiting for the "this is crazy" thoughts to come back, but so far, I only see how this could possibly work and why it might be good for the kids...and me. And that's my ultimate goal. The biggest thing holding me back is that I wouldn't really know anyone if I moved...pretty much anywhere. But then, as many people as I 'know' here, I still lack the community I want so why not just start all over somewhere else? What's truly keeping me here?

Now, I'm not planning on leaving tomorrow or anything, this is a year or two down the road. I have commitments here, that I am not feeling done with. And I've only started seriously praying and looking at options, but I believe this time around it could truly happen. And it's because I want something different for the kids. Joshua starts 'real' school in two years, and I don't know that I want him in school here. I don't know that it'll be Oregan at this point; Samantha will need a few more surgeries over the next few years and her medical coverage and medical team is down here in SoCal, so I need to be able to come down here as needed. Right now I'm looking at various NoCal locations. It's really exciting so be seriously considering this. To think about the fact that in my various roles right now, I'm not irreplaceable, and that there is a big world out there that I've thus far been too afraid to step out into to. Maybe God will tell me no on this. Maybe, something will fall into place down here in the next year, but truly, I feel like I'm at this point in my life where something is happening, something is coming, and life is going to fianlly be lived.

I look back over the past year and wonder now, if I had a lot of faith or was just crazy. I mean, on paper, the numbers just weren't going to add up. But I think that's what I had to experience to even be able to trust in and depend on the Lord now as things get a little harder, but also in order to even be strong enough to consider moving away from everything I've know and felt secure with. But, thanks to this last year, I know even more now, that I can trust and depend upon God to show me what to do and to provide for my needs. It's going to be a very interesting next year. And I can't wait.