Catching up

It's 4 months and 4 days until Christmas.

What?!? Can someone tell me where this year went? I clearly remember the year starting and the long list of things that I was going to do and progress I was going to make. And yet, here I am, almost at the end of the year and I can't quite figure out what I've done and if I've made that progress I wanted to.

Professionally I know I've both fallen behind and moved ahead. Technically, I don't really have a job right now. I get paid for 10 hours a week of supervision for a foster family agency and that's about it. I will start as an adjunct professor in two weeks and will teach two classes and provide about 5 hours of supervision this fall. But looking at the budget, it still won't pull in what I think I need to cover it all. And yet, I'm not really looking for anything else. I'll probably get a roommate (add to the budget) and continue to be a foster parent (subtract from or maintain the budget) and yet, I 'm not completely worried. And that is what worries me. I don't know if I'm in the middle of a surge in faith or if I'm just being an idiot.

I continue to have great plans to complete the applications for accepting insurances and medi cal for my private practice, and yet I don't. I have them, I know what I need to do, but I don't do it. I've always said that this is the direction I want to go in, but if that's the case, why haven't I? I think it's this questionable lack of motiviation that's driving me crazy. It's not a 'I'm depressed and don't want to do anything' issue, but more of a, I can't find that thing that stirs my passion and interest. My plan is to complete the applications I have by the second week of September. There! I've set another date. Let's see what I do with it.

As for teaching...it's one of those things that I question the world and ask, "who said I could be a teacher?" But then is anybody truly anything until they've done it? I had great confidence in my skills as a therapist, and knew that I could do that. I never questioned it. But teaching...it's wierd because I know that I know what I'm doing, but I'm not totally sure I can explain what I'm doing. And going back to reading text books...ugh! But the little secret of teaching is that the teacher has to read too. So I will. This weekend I will focus on reading text books and developing lesson plans (again, who said I could do that?) and preparing to, if not wow, at least stir the interest of my students.

I just completed most of the work on redoing my bathroom. It's pretty great, just last minute touches to be done. I'm frustrated with the workmen right now, because they don't run as organized or as scheduled as I would like them to be. This is someone I know from church, so I don't want to be as direct about it as I think the situation requires, so I'm really the responsible party if it doesn't get done in the timely manner it should be, right?

I've also just redone the room I will use for my foster children. I love it, especially because I (along with help from Mr. Z) did all the work. It's an amazing sense of satisfaction to complete something youself. It's very much an IKEA room (furniture, bedding, curtains, etc. are from there) and that throws me off a little. I'm not usually such a matchy-matchy decorative person, but I think it's cute and welcoming for the children. Of course during the week when I was working on all this I got three calls for little girls (I so want some girls) but had to say no (no bathtub or bed...what can I do?) and was so disappointed. And then I finish everything and this week, no calls yet at all. I know God's prepping me for the one (or two) he will place, but I am anxiously and excitely waiting. I wish I could share them when they come, but as foster children, I will have to limit how much I say and posting of pictures (not that I'm entirely sure how to do that anyway).

Finally, I feel like I'm writing tons, but I just felt like I had a lot to say (to the all of 1 who may read this), buy I digress... Anyway, I recently joined eharmony. Yup, I finally decided that I was ready to enter the world of dating and relationships. After being in one relationship for 18 years with one person, I'm not sure I even know what a date should or will be. I was in high school when I began my last relationship and who really 'dates' in high school. I'm flooded with questions...where we'll go, what to wear, when to kiss...it goes on and on. And the guys whose profiles I've been sent...well, some are good, some are bad and most are just okay. But it doesn't matter who I'm sent, actually, it's really all about who requests communication. I'm not at the point where I'm comfortable requesting communication with others, so I'm at the mercy of whoever wants to communicate with me. I can't say that I'm avidly interested in anyone yet, but I am 'communicating' with a few, mostly for the practice of it. Is that bad? The problem will be, what if it gets to actually being asked out. Do I do just to start doing it? Wait until I'm really interested in someone? Oh boy, this is going to be a lot of work. Some days it's exciting, most days right now, I just feel too busy. I guess I 'll just have to see where it all goes.

Until then...

How do I get there?

Okay, so I was reading another blog today and she had written back in January a statement that went a little something like this:

We do not pray because God will [do what we are praying for].

We praise Him because He can.

That statement just stopped me cold. How is it that I forget that sometimes? How is it that time passes and something I was feverently praying for is no longer top of my list, or sometimes no longer on my list at all. Prayer is sometimes (often) a struggle for me. I can't seem to focus and talk to God without losing track of what I'm trying to do. I find my mind wondering, I think about what I have to do that day, tomorrow, the next minute. I end up feeling horrible, like I've failed at what should be the easiest thing...communicating with God. I've asked numerous people how they pray, how they feel when they pray, do they feel like they're communicating with God. These are all people who seem so spiritual and so in touch with God. The closest I come to feeling that in touch with God is when I'm in worship and praise through song. But I long for it, I want more of it, I want to feel God's everpresent nearness in every minute and in everything I do. So I ask, how do I get there?

I've been keeping prayer journals over the last few years, although not as consistently as I would like. I find that my biggest fault is that I don't plan for or make specific time available for me and God. And I don't always know if I'm praying for something to go one way or another. I've been working, mostly, at trying to be better at just praying for His will. Whatever that may be, I want to know what it is so that I can live by it. Trying to remember always, Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you...plans to proster you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' When and if I keep that in mind, I find that my prayer goes exactly where it needs to be. But being the strong-willed, determined person that I seem to be, I tend to forget (or choose to overlook) that God has his plan already lined up. I need only seek him and his guidance. It's usually only after I've tried to make it fit into the picture that I want (usually numerous times) that I figure out that I've been going against the grain all along. Craziness, I know, but there it still is.

Anyway, this post started with the comment from another blog and led to all this because it reminded me that in my prayer life, I need not pray necessarily for God to do what I want, but to pray for him to show me how to do what He wants and, no matter what, to praise Him that He could do what I want, even if it's not His choice.

It's just me.

Okay, so I've been reading a few of my friends blogs for a while now and everyone of them touches me in some way, some how. I don't know that I'll have anything as interesting or as touching to say, but I've been wanting to write for a while now, so I finally figured...why not? Who's to say what I will end up doing here, but I feel like I'm heading towards a new journey in my life and that I have things ahead of me that I want to explore. What better way than to explore here? Will I ever write again? Will anyone read it? I really don't know. I only know that this is what I want to do right now. Of course, I started this in the middle of the day when I have no time to post much, but that's okay. It gives me time to figure out if I'll actually do this. I'm a pretty private person by nature, so the idea of writing something that others (possibly unknown) can read feels...weird, but also kinda neat.

But first I had to take a look at the questions to complete my profile. What I realize is that I hate those sort of things. I've had to do a few lately (I can't think why) but the part where I'm supposed to share a little bit about myself drives me nuts! Who am I and how do I describe that in so many words or less causes me to just freeze. Will I say to much? Not enough? Will I cover the important parts or forget everything? And I don't fit into any typical boxes, so I find it's hard to address. I'm married, but single (divorce in process); I'm a parent, but not always (foster parenting); I work, but where and doing what always seems to be changing; I'm Christian, but am I always living life the way I should? I really never know quite how to summarize myself. Ugh!

I guess I have time to figure it out as I don't have to have an absolute answer now (or ever, I guess), and I can go back and change it at any time. Maybe by the time I come back here I'll have come up with a wonderful answer...until then, well, I'm just me.