How do I get there?

Okay, so I was reading another blog today and she had written back in January a statement that went a little something like this:

We do not pray because God will [do what we are praying for].

We praise Him because He can.

That statement just stopped me cold. How is it that I forget that sometimes? How is it that time passes and something I was feverently praying for is no longer top of my list, or sometimes no longer on my list at all. Prayer is sometimes (often) a struggle for me. I can't seem to focus and talk to God without losing track of what I'm trying to do. I find my mind wondering, I think about what I have to do that day, tomorrow, the next minute. I end up feeling horrible, like I've failed at what should be the easiest thing...communicating with God. I've asked numerous people how they pray, how they feel when they pray, do they feel like they're communicating with God. These are all people who seem so spiritual and so in touch with God. The closest I come to feeling that in touch with God is when I'm in worship and praise through song. But I long for it, I want more of it, I want to feel God's everpresent nearness in every minute and in everything I do. So I ask, how do I get there?

I've been keeping prayer journals over the last few years, although not as consistently as I would like. I find that my biggest fault is that I don't plan for or make specific time available for me and God. And I don't always know if I'm praying for something to go one way or another. I've been working, mostly, at trying to be better at just praying for His will. Whatever that may be, I want to know what it is so that I can live by it. Trying to remember always, Jeremiah 29:11 'For I know the plans I have for you...plans to proster you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' When and if I keep that in mind, I find that my prayer goes exactly where it needs to be. But being the strong-willed, determined person that I seem to be, I tend to forget (or choose to overlook) that God has his plan already lined up. I need only seek him and his guidance. It's usually only after I've tried to make it fit into the picture that I want (usually numerous times) that I figure out that I've been going against the grain all along. Craziness, I know, but there it still is.

Anyway, this post started with the comment from another blog and led to all this because it reminded me that in my prayer life, I need not pray necessarily for God to do what I want, but to pray for him to show me how to do what He wants and, no matter what, to praise Him that He could do what I want, even if it's not His choice.

It's just me.

Okay, so I've been reading a few of my friends blogs for a while now and everyone of them touches me in some way, some how. I don't know that I'll have anything as interesting or as touching to say, but I've been wanting to write for a while now, so I finally figured...why not? Who's to say what I will end up doing here, but I feel like I'm heading towards a new journey in my life and that I have things ahead of me that I want to explore. What better way than to explore here? Will I ever write again? Will anyone read it? I really don't know. I only know that this is what I want to do right now. Of course, I started this in the middle of the day when I have no time to post much, but that's okay. It gives me time to figure out if I'll actually do this. I'm a pretty private person by nature, so the idea of writing something that others (possibly unknown) can read feels...weird, but also kinda neat.

But first I had to take a look at the questions to complete my profile. What I realize is that I hate those sort of things. I've had to do a few lately (I can't think why) but the part where I'm supposed to share a little bit about myself drives me nuts! Who am I and how do I describe that in so many words or less causes me to just freeze. Will I say to much? Not enough? Will I cover the important parts or forget everything? And I don't fit into any typical boxes, so I find it's hard to address. I'm married, but single (divorce in process); I'm a parent, but not always (foster parenting); I work, but where and doing what always seems to be changing; I'm Christian, but am I always living life the way I should? I really never know quite how to summarize myself. Ugh!

I guess I have time to figure it out as I don't have to have an absolute answer now (or ever, I guess), and I can go back and change it at any time. Maybe by the time I come back here I'll have come up with a wonderful answer...until then, well, I'm just me.