Computer Love

Or not...

I've had the worst computer luck lately. More than a month ago my laptop was infected with some sort of virus. I'm really careful with not clicking on unknown sites or links, and I don't download stuff so I'm not sure what happened, but it pretty much made my computer first completely unusable, and then now limitedly usable. I still don't feel safe using it for my photo stuff and it can't really do as much as it used to. It's actually my work laptop and so now instead of traveling back and forth with me it just stays here at work. But I miss it.

I've been thinking about getting my own laptop anyway, and have been going back and forth between another PC or a Mac. My first computer was a Mac and I've always loved them, but when I started working after college, it was better to get a PC since the programs for easy compatibility weren't really available back then. So I've had two or three PC desktops since then, and have been okay with them. Once I got my work laptop I worked off that much more and my desktop just sat. Once my laptop was infected I had to work off my desktop much more and that was not as enjoyable anymore since I had gotten used to being much more portable. But I was making it work.

I had still been considering a computer and researching a lot, and had pretty much decided on a Mac but was going to wait until tax return time but then it happened. My desktop is now infected. I have NO IDEA what happened but I can't do anything with it. And all my Christmas pictures are on it. They're also on an external hard drive but that was attached to the computer when it was seemingly affected so now I'm worried about whether I'll be able to get them. UGH!

So now I am definitely going to need to get a computer now and due to two separate infection issues I will definitely be going with the Mac. It's not that they're 100% bulletproof from viruses but the likelihood is greatly diminished due to the fact that most computer viruses target PC's. And additionally I'd really like to do more with the video's I'm taking of the kids and the Mac is so much easier to do. By far, I've just heard better things about them, and after my recent experience just cannot bring myself to buy a PC. Of course, the expense is so much more, but for a little more peace of mind, and a lot more options with my picture and video I am sure I will feel that it is worth it. I do wish I could wait, but I'll also make it work now.

I've missed updating my blog a bit, since I have not enjoyed sitting at any computer for any length of time to write. I've kinda been anti-computer for a while. But one of the things I want to do more next year is write, I can't wait to get my new laptop and play around with it. So I hope by weeks end, I will once again have...

Computer Love.

Halloween Festivities

It's amazing how much more fun the holidays are when there are kids around to share it with. And my kids make every day, not only holidays, extra special. They were so excited to dress up and go trick or treating, but they don't really care yet about the candy they got. They haven't asked for anymore since the day after Halloween. Here's a little glimpse of what we did.

This was the first day I was able to pick up the kids early and spend some extra time doing something fun. It's amazing how simple an activity can be for them to enjoy it. This was simply those Halloween foam stickers and some contruction paper and we made some decorations for around the house. I enjoyed watching them enjoy themselves. :)

This was Samantha's school Harvest Parade and Party day. Another day that made me really happy to have made the changes I've recently made. I had the available time to help out with the parade and go back for her party. She didn't want to stay for her party which surprised me, but she was ready to go home for which I was grateful since I was the only parent who brought anything other than sugar, we brought a fruit tray. Everything else was cookies, cupcakes, fruit punch, etc., etc. And this would've been after already being given a cupcake and fruit punch for morning snack while I wasn't in the room. But it was fun to watch her enjoy her trick or treat parade down to the school district office.

Here's my little fairy and fireman! They had such a good time, but I'm still not sure they get the whole day. Which is fine, since it's only Halloween, but I'm glad they had fun!! Now it's time to get ready for Thanksgiving and Christmas for which the kids are even more excited about!

Choices

Life is all about choices. From the simple to the complex, ultimately you have to make a choice and go from there. There are some choices that are irreversible, and others that can always be adjusted, but nothing can happen in life without making that initial choice.

Over the last few years I feel my life has been one continual cycle of choices followed by periods of refining the choice, followed by uncertainty, or even regret, about the choice, followed by another choice, etc., etc. I've been waiting for a period of 'rest' or that feeling of being comfortable in my choice. That feeling has been elusive, but I feel like I've found, if not the entire feeling, a piece of that feeling.

It's been just shy of a month since I quit my job. I've been working part time as a clinical supervisor and loving it more now than before. Since I'm not so chaotically busy, I can have time to focus and prep for each supervision session and really be the type of supervisor I've always wanted to be. Additionally, I've realized the absolute joy of being able to have more time to spend with my kids.


It's interesting, because I now pick them up after their naps (between 2-3) each day and love the difference the extra hour or two makes in our days. I have time to cook, time to rest, time to play with them (although I've realized I don't necessarily want to play with them every extra minute we have) and time to just be. It's lead me to the realization that this is what I want. I may not be able to be a fully stay at home mom (which is okay since I'd probably have them in school/care part time anyway) but I definitely want to be able to be home with them once school is out. Joshua starts Kindergarten next year and will be getting out at 2:45 each day and my commitment (God willing) is to be able to pick him up from school every day and be home with him and to continue that throughout their education. I want to be able to be a room mom, be part of the PTA, etc., etc.


This morning I was able to enjoy the results of these choices as I participated as a room helper for Samantha's Harvest Parade (pictures to come). I was and am so happy to have been free to be there, to not have to rush off to work, to plan to be going back this afternoon for the party. And next week I get to participate in Joshua's field trip to the Santa Ana zoo. I finally feel that sense of comfort and peace in where I'm at. I am SO grateful and thankful.


I was able to refinance the house and roll some debt (home equity, school debt) into it and am able to save quite a bit each month. Next year, I'll be able to pay off my car, and it's so exciting. We're living on quite a bit less, and we're sacrificing certain things, but the benefits so out way any possible negatives. Each day I'll be faced with choices that will either enhance or detract from our lifestyle, but I am okay and excited about that because I know my kids are more than worth it.


I finally made a choice. And I feel happy.

Wondering if this works...

Signs

There's this sandwich shop I go to (quite often) that has this plain, sort of beat up sign that says, "If you're looking for a sign from God, here it is." Every time I see that I sort of chuckle because that's what I want. A clear and easy to understand message from God...to ME! I want to know and feel and understand that I'm hearing from or have heard from God, and that I'm doing it right, or doing what he wants me to do, or hearing what I'm supposed to be hearing. But so often, it does not happen that way. There are urgings and longings in my heart and spirit. Messages given through other people saying EXACTLY what I need to hear. Finding that perfect passage in the Bible (and then wondering if I'm reading it right or screwing it up). And then there's me. I often feel as if, no matter how clear He is, I'm never sure if I'm hearing right, and I double guess myself and wait upon things and keep waiting for "the sign". But what is this sign?

I have joked in the past that God should use those large billboards and as people pass by it flashes and says, "Micaela! Do this...!!" And each believer would see their message and their steps each time as they pass them. But, alas, I've learned that that's not how it works. It's so much more often in the small, subtle things that God reveals Himself and His plan to me. But I just don't seem to get it sometimes (most times) and then I get so frustrated with myself (and God) because I wonder why He isn't talking to me. But it's not that He's not talking to me, it's just that I'm so busy trying to figure things out for myself that I can't hear Him! And then I get more frustrated/lost/lonely that they cycle continues.

Until I STOP! Just stop, and listen. Or sometimes just stop and be honest with God about how I'm feeling. Then, it seems, I am making room for God to speak to me so that I can hear. And show me the signs that I'm needing to hear as well.

For instance, as I talked about in my previous post, I'm making plans, and working towards moving forward with my private practice. I've had people join me in prayer and I've tried to pray more/better about it too. I was excitedly sharing with some my plans, because in talking to a spiritual mentor/friend of mine she helped me to understand that being prayerful about something does not necessarily mean you aren't proactive about it. God will open or shut doors to point you along the way. So I was doing that, completing applications, talking to my designer friend about cards/letterhead, etc. And then I mentioned my plans to one of the in charge folks and their response was not what I expected and indicated that there might be an issue with utilizing the office for it. Most of my plan hinges on this, and I was going to have to wait about a week to find out so then I starting questioning if I had been going down the wrong path. Is this a no from God? And the only thing I could do was be patient. I'm SOOOO not good with the patience thing. And my version of patience includes creating dozens of scenarios and outcomes and now whats (told you I wasn't good at it). But then it happened. I got the sign and it seemed pretty clear to me.

I received an email that there would be no problem with the office space they just needed to be added to my insurance (which I thought would be impossible since it's my professional insurance) but I called my company and they said no problem, emailed me the form, emailed me the pay on line info, and I should receive my updated certificate today by email. So easy. Also, the same day all of this was happening, I received 3, yes 3, referrals for new clients and I've already set up a session for next week. Oh, and my other job, the one I'm keeping called and said they could possibly use a few more hours from me. What I was hoping for! CRAZY!! But so exciting!!

So now I'm finalizing my plans for termination at my current job, will give notice in two weeks (after my vacation) with an end date of 09/30 (I want to give them as much time as possible, and I want to finish my accreditation process for a training I was part of and my test date is the end of September). And I'm continuing my application process for Medi Cal and insurances, setting my schedule for my other job, and starting to take some clients. Wow, I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

But...it seems that the signs are there. Thanks God.

Changes are a-coming...

Life is short. We never know how many more tomorrows we have, so I figure, we have to make the most of the ones we're blessed with. What a waste to live life only just surviving, going from day to day thinking about the could of beens, wish it was, sad it's not. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. In a previous post I wondered "is it possible". Referring to a number of things, but thinking a lot about the ability to stay at home more. At the time I was looking more towards the idea of quitting my 10 hour a week job and working only the 30 hours at the other.

Since my previous post, I've rethought this plan. I've realized that I don't really want to be at the 30 hour a week job. You see, I've never, in my entire life, worked somewhere that operates quite how they operate. They're very...'family' style, but I don't think they realize that the family is quite dysfunctional, and doesn't seem to be working so well. And there's just so much unnecessary chaos and wasted time, on meeting after meeting, explaining the same thing over and over again, spending countless hours trying to understand how it's somehow okay for someone to be completely insubordinate and my job is to try to "figure out the motivation" and "understand the feelings" and "build the relationship and the rest (meaning productivity and work) will follow". Hmm...umm...well...interesting. Last week I was the closest I had ever been in my entire life to just standing up, walking out, and quitting. But rash is something I rarely am, so I sat there and began to think about my options.

Honestly, it didn't seem like I had any. The market is tough out there. The economy isn't doing so well and I felt like I was just going to have to stick it out until something else came along. And then as I began to search for jobs I realized that I didn't want to do any of that anymore. I don't necessarily want to supervise right now (at least not if I have to do both clinical and administration supervision) and I don't want to be a clinician in another agency. I really just want to help people. So after coming home crying one day, and then snapping at my kids, and wondering just what the heck I was doing, I began to go back to that often thought of 'pipe dream' of working for myself and going into private practice.

As soon as I thought it I thought that it was an idiotic idea. All of my previous qualms about doing that still exist. I don't have a second income supporting me while I get going, I have two small children so can't work nights/weekends, etc., etc. But then I started to look at the benefits. I keep talking about wanting more time with my children and realized this was a great way to do it. Ultimately having my own practice doesn't necessarily mean I'll work less (although it brings the opportunity to eventually make more in less hours) but it does mean I will have the flexibility to work when I want to and that will thereby let me have more time with my kids (i.e. going on field trips with them, picking them up earlier). Also, although I will be working harder to establish my own business I'll be working harder for me, not a mess of a group of people, so it'll seem more worth it and I will have more emotional/mental energy freed up for my kids.

And it will allow me to feel like I'm really helping people. I feel at times, like I have forgotten why I went into this field to begin with. When I was thinking of leaving the foster care agency, the one thing I kept coming back to was that I wasn't helping people, nor was I using the gift I was given to be able to do good work with people and families because I know I'm a good clinician. And once again, I'm in that position of feeling like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I really just feel like I've been trying to find my professional place for years and maybe it's because I've been ignoring the direction God's been trying to point me in during all that time.

You see, I feel like I've had previous opportunities to start and grow my own business but every time I've ignored those opportunities. When I've tried to start my practice before I was really just dabbling in it. I had a full time job and didn't put forth the effort or the time to grow my own business. And the past few years when I had all the time since I was 'working' at starting the agency, I didn't do anything but carry a few cases because I kept waiting for the agency to 'take off' and didn't want to get too many clients since it seemed irresponsible. Even though I kept getting referrals.

And I've continued to get referrals but kept referring them elsewhere since I was still working full time. So now I finally feel like I'm getting the point. I think I'm supposed to be taking the clients and working for myself. So that's what I'm going to do. I've asked a few close friends of mine to be in prayer with me this month, and I have a week long unpaid vacation coming up the last week of this month and I'm planning to start my practice at the beginning of September. I'm going to keep my 10 hour a week job and perhaps add a few hours, but really my focus will be on building my practice.

I have already checked with one insurance panel and found that I'm still active and I have a few more to submit, and I'm going to try to become a Medi Cal provider too. It's a risk, but I believe it's one I'm supposed to take. I've realized that my kids will have more of me, even if that means that I may have to work one night a week. They will be okay and we will be okay, if not even better. We'll have to get through the next few months, and I'll have to make really wise choices with our money, but I really believe I can do it. I am blessed to have free office space and a natural referral source and can work on building more, and I know if I have to work at it (since it'll be my only true source of income) I CAN make it happen. So there it is...changes. Life is too short not to take chances or make choices and make changes and I'm making the changes now. My life and my kids are worth it. So wish me luck and pray for me. It's going to be an interesting few months.

Is it possible?

I've been thinking about making some changes. Some big, some small, but hopefully many to improve the quality of my life, and more importantly, the quality of my kid's lives. The thing is, I think and think about these changes, even make some planning steps on these changes, and here I am, still pretty much in the same place. I feel myself, though, moving towards change, and am eager to embrace it, but am not really sure I know how.


It all sort of starts with two desires, that are somewhat linked. First, I really want to be able to stay home with my kids more. I say more, because the reality is, I cannot, at this time in my life, be a full-on stay at home mom. But I'd like to. Oh, how I'd like to. It's just not my reality right now. I'm a single mom and therefore I must work. Right now I'm working 40+ hours split between two jobs, plus a fairly large ministry role. I work 30 hours at one job and 10 hours at another. I've been hoping that the 30 hours would turn into 40, but then I started thinking. What if I just stayed on at 30 and quit the other job? Hmm, what would that look like, could I afford it, is it possible?

Well, it would basically give me an extra hour almost every weekday with my kids in the afternoon. I would be starting school pick ups at 3 instead of 4. We'd be home by 4 instead of 5. Some people would ask, what difference does an hour make? But when I look at the needs of my two young children, I can only believe that it could make all the difference in the world. I've been observing my daughter to struggle more and more with goodbyes from me. Daycare mornings have become quite the challenge, and although I know she's okay and that it's not the end of the world for her to be there, I hate that she has to spend 8 hours (sometimes a little more) of her days there, 5 days a week. Sure 7 hours is still a lot, but it's not 8. And if we had more time at home together, would it be easier for her to be there?

And Joshua. How he struggles so much, and that one I know is related to his need for more of me. For strenghthening and building the bond and attachment he so desperately seeks. Again, would an extra hour matter? Yes. Not just because of the actual extra time, but because that time would allow a smoother and less rushed/stressed after school/work schedule. When you have two young children who are basically in bed by 8 at the latest, dinner, bathtime, stories, etc. can feel pretty rushed in the three hours we have.


I know, I know. Some would say it's the quality not the quantity, and while that's true, I've gotta say, with my two, I know the quantity matters too. Especially with Joshua. I don't know it it's his age, attachment issues, or just the type of kid he is, but he wants time. And I want to be able to give it to him. But again I ask, is it possible?


I've looked at my budget and thought about whether I could afford to do this, because really, that's what it comes down to unfortunately. Based on what I make now with my 30 hour job, and looking strictly at numbers, it looks like I would make what was needed to pay my bills but probably not much else. Now, I don't know it that's a smart way to live. So I start to think, what can I give up? What do I spend on that I can pull back in order to simplify life and save some money? I can honestly say I don't spend a whole lot on things, or at least not that I'm aware of. But then I think of my trips to Michael's, or the articles of clothing I buy (mostly for Samantha) when she doesn't really need them, or food that goes bad, leftovers uneaten, unplanned dining out, etc., etc. And then I think, well, there goes a lot of money.


So then I think, well if I would truly pay attention to what I was spending and monitor my money better, than yes, this would be possible. After all, do I need all the things I buy? No. Do I need Netflix? No. (although I did get rid of cable and this was my consolation). Do I need to buy books? No, that's what the library is for. Do I need more scrapbook stuff? N...well, some of it. But not more paper and stuff, just albums and refills when needed. And I host my own event so I don't have to spend to go to one. And the yearly retreat, that would only be a maybe if I budgeted for it out of my tax return or something.


So, is it possible? Maybe. I'll be able to pay off my car next year but not until towards the end of the year and that would free up a fairly nice sum of money, but can I do it until then? And if I try and it doesn't work out, I don't know if I could get the 10 hours back with the one job, or add it to the other job. But that's fear talking. So I ask myself again, is it possible?

So I think I'll leave it to this right now. This is what's most on my mind. And I've gotta figure this out. So prayer time, lots of thinking time, and maybe an answer will come.

Whatever, right?

So I called my brother tonight to check in and say hello. I've been missing him as we haven't touched base in a few days. I was also checking to see what his schedule is because I'd like to see him and may need a sitter for Joshua in a few days. I ask what he's doing Saturday and he tells me he's waiting for his freezer to be delivered. I'm like, "what freezer?" and he tells me all about the upright freezer my grandparents are buying him. This is after the facebook post that my younger cousin wrote saying that they bought him a laptop a couple of weeks ago. And after learning that my older cousin got beds, washer/dryer, and a fridge from them. And me? Well, I work, and try really hard to support myself so I get...nothing.

It just feels like, even though I have a job, it would be nice if they thought to offer to help me out sometime. I don't deserve anything from them, none of us do, but still? Do I have to be unemployed and living with them to get some support. It's not like I'm rolling in it and couldn't have used some help when I had to replace my mattress last year, or now that I've had to use a small 'apartment' size fridge since my regular size fridge died and am now having to replace it. And even writing that makes me feel like an idiot because my grandparents don't have to do anything for anyone. But it sucks that they'll do something for everyone BUT me. My grandparents didn't even call or write to acknowledge the finalization of the adoption and congratulate me. It's just so frustrating!!

I know that this really comes from deeper feelings related to how little I have ever felt connected to my 'family' and have never felt like I fit in. Not only to my family but just in general. I've always wanted to large, but close-nit, family. The strong group of friends who get together, the backyard bbq's, etc. But that's never been the case. And it hit kind of hard right now because I feel such a disconnect with so many things right now...my family, friends, job, God. It's just a lonely place to be.

And GOD, I'm so tired of writing about the same thing here. So never mind. Instead I'll say. my brother and cousins are being blessed by my grandparents. God has been showing me to depend on him, not others, so I will buy my own new fridge and try to save for a large freezer too. And I'll just try to let it go. Whatever, right?

Daniel Fast: Day 4 (written on day 5)

It's day 4 and I've made it. It's pretty amazing what I've been learning since I started my fast. The first thing, the more trivial thing, which surprised me (and frustrated me) was that I am in fact capable of changing what I eat and showing more control in my diet. I will hold this information tight to use in the future when I find myself struggling with eating and/or exercising issues. Physical discipline IS attainable. I will have no further excuses for why I'm not taking better care of myself physically.

However, the spiritual discipline, the reason I'm truly participating in this fast is more difficult. As much as I want to be closer to God and hear more from Him, I think that close, intimate relationship can feel hard, impossible to attain, and even scary. What if He shows me more than I'm prepared for? What if He tells me something I don't want to hear? What if I don't hear from Him at all? And how? How do I pray more? Read the Bible more? Understand more of what God wants me to be aware of? And what if I do it...shh...wrong?

But what I've learned in the 4 days that I've been doing this fast is that God is completely tuned into me and my needs. He knows exactly where I am and what I need to hear from Him. Everyday this week I have become aware of something he wants me to know. Whether it be through a conversation with a friend or near stranger, a book I'm reading, the completion of projects or journeys I've been waiting for, I'm suddenly seeing and hearing things from God that are so exciting. And it's not because God finally decided to talk to me, but it's because I've finally decided to stop and listen. And although I know I'm still not listening as fully as I can, praying as often as I should, and spending time in the Bible as much as I could, God knows my spirit. He truly knows that my spirit is longing for Him and for more of Him and He's using this fast to increase my sensitivity to Him so that I can grow confident in my ability to more truly hear from Him and trust Him and lead the life He truly wants for me. I am so thankful for this fast and these lessons. What will God show me next?

This was a difficult blog to write because I was also writing it for the blog my church is posting and there's all these thoughts about who's going to read it, etc., etc. And I missed writing last night. Interesting.

Daniel Fast: Day 3

I was at Costco this evening doing my regular monthly shopping in addition to buying specific foods for my fast. As I was there I was mentally planning how I was going to eat and what I was going to do with the various items I was buying. I found myself fully focused on the food aspect of my fast, and once again lacking on the spiritual aspect. I don't know why that happens. I really want to do this to grow closer to God but find myself being busy thinking about the food aspect. I'm really glad I'm doing this for three weeks instead of three days because I think I'm really going to need the time to discipline myself spiritually.

I have discovered, though, that even when I don't think I'm spiritually connected to God, he's still connected to me and trying to communicate with me. Twice today, He opened my eyes and mind to things that I believe he's been trying to show me. It started at my monthly staff meeting during which my pastor shared a little bit more about the fast and then encouraged us to be specific about why we're fasting and what are we asking God for. He said we should be looking in three areas, ourselves, our families, and our community. As he's speaking I feel (?) hear (?) discover (?) that what God wants from me is to LET GO!!! Let go of my fear and fully place my trust in Him. This is in many areas of my life, but I feel the Lord really telling me trust Him with my children. I think that as we've gotten closer and closer to permanancy, I've been more and more afraid of losing them. I have horrific thoughts of the many 'what if' scenarios and I'm more and more anxious about it. And in my meeting while I'm sharing this I'm near tears because I realize that this is it. This is what I have to focus on and work on and ask for help from God with.

So I was feeling pretty good about this...revelation of sorts, when I was showed another one. While I was in Costco a woman came up to me and said "Hi Micaela." I didn't immediately recognize her, but responded with a friendly hello. It turns out we worked together quite a few years ago. She asked how I was and we went through the general friendly how are you, etc. All this occured in a minute or two. We didn't really talk about what I was doing now a days, other than for me to say I was doing well. As she turned to walk away she stopped and said to me, "You're lucky to be where you are now." Not so much I was lucky not to be back at my old job (although that was part of it too) but truly that I was lucky to be exactly where I'm at right now. My job, my home, the kids, relationally, etc. I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be. It was such a comfort for me to hear this and to sense this was truly what God was trying to show me and has been trying to show me. I know I've been questioning Him and doubting, but wow! I heard it today. It has really soothed my spirit. And I know that I am only able to discover these things and hear these things from God because I am taking steps to listen to Him and seek Him. And although I don't feel like I'm doing all the right things spiritually, God knows my heart and wants me to be encouraged anyway. I'm so excited!

Daniel Fast: Day 2

7:01 p.m.: So far I haven't fallen off the wagon food wise. I've eaten salad, hummus, matza crackers, baked potatoes, apple sauce, and been drinking only water. I find myself hungry at weird times, but not overly starving I guess. My frustration thus far is this: how do I truly tune into God? I know I'm supposed to use the times when I'm hungry or not eating something I would normally eat to spend time with God, but I have a hard enough time being quiet with God when I'm not hungry...being hungry doesn't help. Which I guess is the point. So although I'm doing okay with the actual food portion of the fast; I'm not doing so well with the spiritual portion. I guess I shouldn't be too hard on myself, physical discipline is often much easier to attain than spiritual discipline, I think. Well, I'm off to have a banana and try to spend some time in the Word.

Daniel Fast: Day 1

12:20 p.m.: My Pastor is leading and encouraging a church-wide Daniel Fast for the next 21 days. I have never successfully fasted and have felt like I both wanted to and like I should, but could never figure out how to, or what to, ect., etc. I know at the core, my failure to complete a fast previously has been around two things: 1) having no clear purpose for my fast; and 2) giving up too many things at the same time. This year I'm very excited about this opportunity and am using it to intentionally work on three areas in my faith: 1) increasing my obedience to God; 2) increasing and improving my prayer time; and 3) growing closer to God.

The last time I tried to Daniel fast I knew my spirit was not right for it because I was looking for shortcuts, ways to still eat what I wanted. I was so excited to figure out that popcorn was accepted because it's still corn; or that a potato was cool because it falls in the veggie catagory. Although both those things are true, I knew I was simply looking for easy ways to finish what I started, and if I lost weight at the same time, cool. This time, I'm really focused on doing it right. Not the legalistic right, but the spiritually right. For instance...I should really only have organic, no sugar added peanut butter in the Daniel Fast. However, I have a lot of regular Jif peanut butter. I can't justify buying another jar at this time when I have so much of the other, so I will either go without it for the duration of the fast, or use it sparingly if absolutely needed (although I can't fathom a time with peanut butter will be absolutely necessary).

So today is day one for me. I didn't realize it would be until the middle of service when I just decided that this was it. Most people at the church are starting tomorrow but I'm starting a day early in order to end two days early for my kids birthday party. I may end up continuing through their party, I'll see where the Lord leads me. I got home and it was time to make lunch for the kids. Suddenly I was starving and where previously I would eat the same thing (PB&J and yogurt today) I realized I hadn't planned for anything and needed to wait for them to go down for their naps. I was getting more and more anxious about it, knowing I needed to prep my salad dressing and thinking now what? How can I have a salad at lunch if the dressing hasn't had time to mix...etc., etc. And there it was. The questioning and doubting of this. Anyway, I finished the kids lunch, got them down, and had a banana. I will prep the dressing for later, and have some approved crackers and hummus for now.

I will be doing a post each day with additions at various times. I'm hoping to gain some good insight as I do this and hear from God, so here it goes!

7:40p.m.: Good day overall. I was surprised that I enjoyed the hummus and crackers so much; I may have a little more before the night is over. I made a yummy salad and dressing for dinner and paired it with a plain baked potato. I admit that I am hungry and would like to have something more. But I think that's how it's supposed to be a bit. I'm going to spend some time focusing on God and my reasons for fasting, and then prepare for tomorrow.

The New Year...the New Me?

I was prepared to start this year with ambitious, yet attainable, goals. With clearly defined and outlined plans to achieve these goals and the desire and motivation to start working on the plan. Like many people, I saw the end of, not only a year but a decade, as an opportunity to look at where I was, where I wanted to be, and to evaluate how to continue moving towards where I want to go. With weeks to go in 2009, I was feeling compelled and confident in some small steps I was already taking. Exercising more, eating better, organizing, and spending specific and deliberate time with my children.

I felt God confirming these thoughts, feelings, and plans for me when my pastor's sermon on the last Sunday of 2009 was on "How to Live an Intentional Life". He had simple, but for me, thought provoking comments. It started with the statement "Your past events in life should not make your future." Of course not, I thought. That's simple and so clear. But then I looked at my life and the decisions I was making everyday and I saw, very clearly, how I was still letting past events in my life determine my future. Things that I should've let go of, changed, improved upon, were all there. Impacting me, preventing me, and challenging me to stay stuck in the same spot I had always been in.

My pastor went on to state that "Anything that is worth anything in life must be done intentionally." Again I thought, again, of course. But once again I stopped and asked myself how am I doing that? What am I doing with intentionality to take my life where I want it to be? He gave a few clear and, again, simple steps: 1) Identify your priorities; 2) Invest in these specifically; and 3) Invest in them EVERYDAY. And that's when it hit me. It's not only about figuring out what's important, because I've done that and that really hasn't changed in years. My priorities have been (to put them simply) Faith; Family; Ministry; and Health. And each year, and each month, and maybe even each week, I think about these and what I'd like to see happen with them. I have daydreams, both grand and small, about what it looks like to succeed or achieve goals in each of these areas. But I wasn't consistently and specifically investing in them. And I certainly wasn't doing it daily. I left church that day with renewed hope and passion, and the certainty that God was prompting me and showing me that I was finally there, finally ready to live the life he has in store for me.

I started right away, I figured why wait for the new year? That's just a date, just an excuse to wait. I began a few organization projects that, once completed, would free up both mental and physical energy and allow me to more fully focus on more important topics. I signed Joshua up for an activity and made alternative plans for Samantha so that he and I could have regular and intentional time together. I was eating better and not feeling deprived, I exercised and was excited to do it again. I truly felt both an internal physical shift as well as a psychological shift of readiness. I couldn't wait for 2010! Not because the date change would change anything specific,but it just seemed so exciting to be moving forward, and such a significant date change seemed to go with that.

But boy, has 2010 gotten off to a different start than I imagined. On New Year's Eve, I recieved a call from a good friend of mine stating that she was going to be admitted on a 5150 hold to the psychiatric hospital due to suicidal ideation. Although very sad for her, I've gone this route with other friends and family members and knew that this was probably going to be good for her ultimately and that, it would take time, but she would be okay. I, of course, continued to love and support her during this time (visiting and calling), only to have that questioned and villified by her family for being 'devisive' and 'taking her away from them' and asking me what I wanted from her. I began to question myself almost and wonder what was so wrong with offering support and love to someone who needs it and deserves it just for being who she is, and to truly wonder if I was wrong. I talked to another friend of mine today and she pointed out the fact that this family clearly doesn't know 'how' to love one another (which was confirmed by the family listing all the monetary ways they've 'loved' this person) and cannot understand how or why I would care about this person the way I do. That was so profound for me (and probably something I would've seen if not for being so close to the situation, thank God for good friends) and allowed me to release the sadness and anger I was feeling towards this family and the situation.

Additionally, already this year, I had a friend, who's a few months younger than me, with three children (4, 3, and 3 months) experience a heart attack on the 2nd and come very, very close to dying. This is a young woman in seemingly good health with no known risk factors who, doctors say, would have lost her life had she come in a few minutes later. When I recieved the call I prayed for her, and then sat in fear and wonder about her and how this could happen. Thankfully she is going to be okay, but since the first of this year, my spirit has stuttered a bit.

I realized how much everything was impacting me as I realized I wasn't sleeping well, and was pretty stressed, but wasn't entirely sure why. Both my friends were going to be okay and the rest of the drama would resolve itself, but for some reason I was anxious and stressed none-the-less. So my energy has been sapped, my motivation dropped, and everything just seemed overwhelming. So I'm taking a day or two to rest and get it all together, and to put this all away like it should be and hopefully see things come back together to where I was just a week or two ago.