Whatever, right?

So I called my brother tonight to check in and say hello. I've been missing him as we haven't touched base in a few days. I was also checking to see what his schedule is because I'd like to see him and may need a sitter for Joshua in a few days. I ask what he's doing Saturday and he tells me he's waiting for his freezer to be delivered. I'm like, "what freezer?" and he tells me all about the upright freezer my grandparents are buying him. This is after the facebook post that my younger cousin wrote saying that they bought him a laptop a couple of weeks ago. And after learning that my older cousin got beds, washer/dryer, and a fridge from them. And me? Well, I work, and try really hard to support myself so I get...nothing.

It just feels like, even though I have a job, it would be nice if they thought to offer to help me out sometime. I don't deserve anything from them, none of us do, but still? Do I have to be unemployed and living with them to get some support. It's not like I'm rolling in it and couldn't have used some help when I had to replace my mattress last year, or now that I've had to use a small 'apartment' size fridge since my regular size fridge died and am now having to replace it. And even writing that makes me feel like an idiot because my grandparents don't have to do anything for anyone. But it sucks that they'll do something for everyone BUT me. My grandparents didn't even call or write to acknowledge the finalization of the adoption and congratulate me. It's just so frustrating!!

I know that this really comes from deeper feelings related to how little I have ever felt connected to my 'family' and have never felt like I fit in. Not only to my family but just in general. I've always wanted to large, but close-nit, family. The strong group of friends who get together, the backyard bbq's, etc. But that's never been the case. And it hit kind of hard right now because I feel such a disconnect with so many things right now...my family, friends, job, God. It's just a lonely place to be.

And GOD, I'm so tired of writing about the same thing here. So never mind. Instead I'll say. my brother and cousins are being blessed by my grandparents. God has been showing me to depend on him, not others, so I will buy my own new fridge and try to save for a large freezer too. And I'll just try to let it go. Whatever, right?