Signs

There's this sandwich shop I go to (quite often) that has this plain, sort of beat up sign that says, "If you're looking for a sign from God, here it is." Every time I see that I sort of chuckle because that's what I want. A clear and easy to understand message from God...to ME! I want to know and feel and understand that I'm hearing from or have heard from God, and that I'm doing it right, or doing what he wants me to do, or hearing what I'm supposed to be hearing. But so often, it does not happen that way. There are urgings and longings in my heart and spirit. Messages given through other people saying EXACTLY what I need to hear. Finding that perfect passage in the Bible (and then wondering if I'm reading it right or screwing it up). And then there's me. I often feel as if, no matter how clear He is, I'm never sure if I'm hearing right, and I double guess myself and wait upon things and keep waiting for "the sign". But what is this sign?

I have joked in the past that God should use those large billboards and as people pass by it flashes and says, "Micaela! Do this...!!" And each believer would see their message and their steps each time as they pass them. But, alas, I've learned that that's not how it works. It's so much more often in the small, subtle things that God reveals Himself and His plan to me. But I just don't seem to get it sometimes (most times) and then I get so frustrated with myself (and God) because I wonder why He isn't talking to me. But it's not that He's not talking to me, it's just that I'm so busy trying to figure things out for myself that I can't hear Him! And then I get more frustrated/lost/lonely that they cycle continues.

Until I STOP! Just stop, and listen. Or sometimes just stop and be honest with God about how I'm feeling. Then, it seems, I am making room for God to speak to me so that I can hear. And show me the signs that I'm needing to hear as well.

For instance, as I talked about in my previous post, I'm making plans, and working towards moving forward with my private practice. I've had people join me in prayer and I've tried to pray more/better about it too. I was excitedly sharing with some my plans, because in talking to a spiritual mentor/friend of mine she helped me to understand that being prayerful about something does not necessarily mean you aren't proactive about it. God will open or shut doors to point you along the way. So I was doing that, completing applications, talking to my designer friend about cards/letterhead, etc. And then I mentioned my plans to one of the in charge folks and their response was not what I expected and indicated that there might be an issue with utilizing the office for it. Most of my plan hinges on this, and I was going to have to wait about a week to find out so then I starting questioning if I had been going down the wrong path. Is this a no from God? And the only thing I could do was be patient. I'm SOOOO not good with the patience thing. And my version of patience includes creating dozens of scenarios and outcomes and now whats (told you I wasn't good at it). But then it happened. I got the sign and it seemed pretty clear to me.

I received an email that there would be no problem with the office space they just needed to be added to my insurance (which I thought would be impossible since it's my professional insurance) but I called my company and they said no problem, emailed me the form, emailed me the pay on line info, and I should receive my updated certificate today by email. So easy. Also, the same day all of this was happening, I received 3, yes 3, referrals for new clients and I've already set up a session for next week. Oh, and my other job, the one I'm keeping called and said they could possibly use a few more hours from me. What I was hoping for! CRAZY!! But so exciting!!

So now I'm finalizing my plans for termination at my current job, will give notice in two weeks (after my vacation) with an end date of 09/30 (I want to give them as much time as possible, and I want to finish my accreditation process for a training I was part of and my test date is the end of September). And I'm continuing my application process for Medi Cal and insurances, setting my schedule for my other job, and starting to take some clients. Wow, I can't believe I'm actually doing this.

But...it seems that the signs are there. Thanks God.

Changes are a-coming...

Life is short. We never know how many more tomorrows we have, so I figure, we have to make the most of the ones we're blessed with. What a waste to live life only just surviving, going from day to day thinking about the could of beens, wish it was, sad it's not. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. In a previous post I wondered "is it possible". Referring to a number of things, but thinking a lot about the ability to stay at home more. At the time I was looking more towards the idea of quitting my 10 hour a week job and working only the 30 hours at the other.

Since my previous post, I've rethought this plan. I've realized that I don't really want to be at the 30 hour a week job. You see, I've never, in my entire life, worked somewhere that operates quite how they operate. They're very...'family' style, but I don't think they realize that the family is quite dysfunctional, and doesn't seem to be working so well. And there's just so much unnecessary chaos and wasted time, on meeting after meeting, explaining the same thing over and over again, spending countless hours trying to understand how it's somehow okay for someone to be completely insubordinate and my job is to try to "figure out the motivation" and "understand the feelings" and "build the relationship and the rest (meaning productivity and work) will follow". Hmm...umm...well...interesting. Last week I was the closest I had ever been in my entire life to just standing up, walking out, and quitting. But rash is something I rarely am, so I sat there and began to think about my options.

Honestly, it didn't seem like I had any. The market is tough out there. The economy isn't doing so well and I felt like I was just going to have to stick it out until something else came along. And then as I began to search for jobs I realized that I didn't want to do any of that anymore. I don't necessarily want to supervise right now (at least not if I have to do both clinical and administration supervision) and I don't want to be a clinician in another agency. I really just want to help people. So after coming home crying one day, and then snapping at my kids, and wondering just what the heck I was doing, I began to go back to that often thought of 'pipe dream' of working for myself and going into private practice.

As soon as I thought it I thought that it was an idiotic idea. All of my previous qualms about doing that still exist. I don't have a second income supporting me while I get going, I have two small children so can't work nights/weekends, etc., etc. But then I started to look at the benefits. I keep talking about wanting more time with my children and realized this was a great way to do it. Ultimately having my own practice doesn't necessarily mean I'll work less (although it brings the opportunity to eventually make more in less hours) but it does mean I will have the flexibility to work when I want to and that will thereby let me have more time with my kids (i.e. going on field trips with them, picking them up earlier). Also, although I will be working harder to establish my own business I'll be working harder for me, not a mess of a group of people, so it'll seem more worth it and I will have more emotional/mental energy freed up for my kids.

And it will allow me to feel like I'm really helping people. I feel at times, like I have forgotten why I went into this field to begin with. When I was thinking of leaving the foster care agency, the one thing I kept coming back to was that I wasn't helping people, nor was I using the gift I was given to be able to do good work with people and families because I know I'm a good clinician. And once again, I'm in that position of feeling like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I really just feel like I've been trying to find my professional place for years and maybe it's because I've been ignoring the direction God's been trying to point me in during all that time.

You see, I feel like I've had previous opportunities to start and grow my own business but every time I've ignored those opportunities. When I've tried to start my practice before I was really just dabbling in it. I had a full time job and didn't put forth the effort or the time to grow my own business. And the past few years when I had all the time since I was 'working' at starting the agency, I didn't do anything but carry a few cases because I kept waiting for the agency to 'take off' and didn't want to get too many clients since it seemed irresponsible. Even though I kept getting referrals.

And I've continued to get referrals but kept referring them elsewhere since I was still working full time. So now I finally feel like I'm getting the point. I think I'm supposed to be taking the clients and working for myself. So that's what I'm going to do. I've asked a few close friends of mine to be in prayer with me this month, and I have a week long unpaid vacation coming up the last week of this month and I'm planning to start my practice at the beginning of September. I'm going to keep my 10 hour a week job and perhaps add a few hours, but really my focus will be on building my practice.

I have already checked with one insurance panel and found that I'm still active and I have a few more to submit, and I'm going to try to become a Medi Cal provider too. It's a risk, but I believe it's one I'm supposed to take. I've realized that my kids will have more of me, even if that means that I may have to work one night a week. They will be okay and we will be okay, if not even better. We'll have to get through the next few months, and I'll have to make really wise choices with our money, but I really believe I can do it. I am blessed to have free office space and a natural referral source and can work on building more, and I know if I have to work at it (since it'll be my only true source of income) I CAN make it happen. So there it is...changes. Life is too short not to take chances or make choices and make changes and I'm making the changes now. My life and my kids are worth it. So wish me luck and pray for me. It's going to be an interesting few months.