Changes are a-coming...

Life is short. We never know how many more tomorrows we have, so I figure, we have to make the most of the ones we're blessed with. What a waste to live life only just surviving, going from day to day thinking about the could of beens, wish it was, sad it's not. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. In a previous post I wondered "is it possible". Referring to a number of things, but thinking a lot about the ability to stay at home more. At the time I was looking more towards the idea of quitting my 10 hour a week job and working only the 30 hours at the other.

Since my previous post, I've rethought this plan. I've realized that I don't really want to be at the 30 hour a week job. You see, I've never, in my entire life, worked somewhere that operates quite how they operate. They're very...'family' style, but I don't think they realize that the family is quite dysfunctional, and doesn't seem to be working so well. And there's just so much unnecessary chaos and wasted time, on meeting after meeting, explaining the same thing over and over again, spending countless hours trying to understand how it's somehow okay for someone to be completely insubordinate and my job is to try to "figure out the motivation" and "understand the feelings" and "build the relationship and the rest (meaning productivity and work) will follow". Hmm...umm...well...interesting. Last week I was the closest I had ever been in my entire life to just standing up, walking out, and quitting. But rash is something I rarely am, so I sat there and began to think about my options.

Honestly, it didn't seem like I had any. The market is tough out there. The economy isn't doing so well and I felt like I was just going to have to stick it out until something else came along. And then as I began to search for jobs I realized that I didn't want to do any of that anymore. I don't necessarily want to supervise right now (at least not if I have to do both clinical and administration supervision) and I don't want to be a clinician in another agency. I really just want to help people. So after coming home crying one day, and then snapping at my kids, and wondering just what the heck I was doing, I began to go back to that often thought of 'pipe dream' of working for myself and going into private practice.

As soon as I thought it I thought that it was an idiotic idea. All of my previous qualms about doing that still exist. I don't have a second income supporting me while I get going, I have two small children so can't work nights/weekends, etc., etc. But then I started to look at the benefits. I keep talking about wanting more time with my children and realized this was a great way to do it. Ultimately having my own practice doesn't necessarily mean I'll work less (although it brings the opportunity to eventually make more in less hours) but it does mean I will have the flexibility to work when I want to and that will thereby let me have more time with my kids (i.e. going on field trips with them, picking them up earlier). Also, although I will be working harder to establish my own business I'll be working harder for me, not a mess of a group of people, so it'll seem more worth it and I will have more emotional/mental energy freed up for my kids.

And it will allow me to feel like I'm really helping people. I feel at times, like I have forgotten why I went into this field to begin with. When I was thinking of leaving the foster care agency, the one thing I kept coming back to was that I wasn't helping people, nor was I using the gift I was given to be able to do good work with people and families because I know I'm a good clinician. And once again, I'm in that position of feeling like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I really just feel like I've been trying to find my professional place for years and maybe it's because I've been ignoring the direction God's been trying to point me in during all that time.

You see, I feel like I've had previous opportunities to start and grow my own business but every time I've ignored those opportunities. When I've tried to start my practice before I was really just dabbling in it. I had a full time job and didn't put forth the effort or the time to grow my own business. And the past few years when I had all the time since I was 'working' at starting the agency, I didn't do anything but carry a few cases because I kept waiting for the agency to 'take off' and didn't want to get too many clients since it seemed irresponsible. Even though I kept getting referrals.

And I've continued to get referrals but kept referring them elsewhere since I was still working full time. So now I finally feel like I'm getting the point. I think I'm supposed to be taking the clients and working for myself. So that's what I'm going to do. I've asked a few close friends of mine to be in prayer with me this month, and I have a week long unpaid vacation coming up the last week of this month and I'm planning to start my practice at the beginning of September. I'm going to keep my 10 hour a week job and perhaps add a few hours, but really my focus will be on building my practice.

I have already checked with one insurance panel and found that I'm still active and I have a few more to submit, and I'm going to try to become a Medi Cal provider too. It's a risk, but I believe it's one I'm supposed to take. I've realized that my kids will have more of me, even if that means that I may have to work one night a week. They will be okay and we will be okay, if not even better. We'll have to get through the next few months, and I'll have to make really wise choices with our money, but I really believe I can do it. I am blessed to have free office space and a natural referral source and can work on building more, and I know if I have to work at it (since it'll be my only true source of income) I CAN make it happen. So there it is...changes. Life is too short not to take chances or make choices and make changes and I'm making the changes now. My life and my kids are worth it. So wish me luck and pray for me. It's going to be an interesting few months.