Is it possible?

I've been thinking about making some changes. Some big, some small, but hopefully many to improve the quality of my life, and more importantly, the quality of my kid's lives. The thing is, I think and think about these changes, even make some planning steps on these changes, and here I am, still pretty much in the same place. I feel myself, though, moving towards change, and am eager to embrace it, but am not really sure I know how.


It all sort of starts with two desires, that are somewhat linked. First, I really want to be able to stay home with my kids more. I say more, because the reality is, I cannot, at this time in my life, be a full-on stay at home mom. But I'd like to. Oh, how I'd like to. It's just not my reality right now. I'm a single mom and therefore I must work. Right now I'm working 40+ hours split between two jobs, plus a fairly large ministry role. I work 30 hours at one job and 10 hours at another. I've been hoping that the 30 hours would turn into 40, but then I started thinking. What if I just stayed on at 30 and quit the other job? Hmm, what would that look like, could I afford it, is it possible?

Well, it would basically give me an extra hour almost every weekday with my kids in the afternoon. I would be starting school pick ups at 3 instead of 4. We'd be home by 4 instead of 5. Some people would ask, what difference does an hour make? But when I look at the needs of my two young children, I can only believe that it could make all the difference in the world. I've been observing my daughter to struggle more and more with goodbyes from me. Daycare mornings have become quite the challenge, and although I know she's okay and that it's not the end of the world for her to be there, I hate that she has to spend 8 hours (sometimes a little more) of her days there, 5 days a week. Sure 7 hours is still a lot, but it's not 8. And if we had more time at home together, would it be easier for her to be there?

And Joshua. How he struggles so much, and that one I know is related to his need for more of me. For strenghthening and building the bond and attachment he so desperately seeks. Again, would an extra hour matter? Yes. Not just because of the actual extra time, but because that time would allow a smoother and less rushed/stressed after school/work schedule. When you have two young children who are basically in bed by 8 at the latest, dinner, bathtime, stories, etc. can feel pretty rushed in the three hours we have.


I know, I know. Some would say it's the quality not the quantity, and while that's true, I've gotta say, with my two, I know the quantity matters too. Especially with Joshua. I don't know it it's his age, attachment issues, or just the type of kid he is, but he wants time. And I want to be able to give it to him. But again I ask, is it possible?


I've looked at my budget and thought about whether I could afford to do this, because really, that's what it comes down to unfortunately. Based on what I make now with my 30 hour job, and looking strictly at numbers, it looks like I would make what was needed to pay my bills but probably not much else. Now, I don't know it that's a smart way to live. So I start to think, what can I give up? What do I spend on that I can pull back in order to simplify life and save some money? I can honestly say I don't spend a whole lot on things, or at least not that I'm aware of. But then I think of my trips to Michael's, or the articles of clothing I buy (mostly for Samantha) when she doesn't really need them, or food that goes bad, leftovers uneaten, unplanned dining out, etc., etc. And then I think, well, there goes a lot of money.


So then I think, well if I would truly pay attention to what I was spending and monitor my money better, than yes, this would be possible. After all, do I need all the things I buy? No. Do I need Netflix? No. (although I did get rid of cable and this was my consolation). Do I need to buy books? No, that's what the library is for. Do I need more scrapbook stuff? N...well, some of it. But not more paper and stuff, just albums and refills when needed. And I host my own event so I don't have to spend to go to one. And the yearly retreat, that would only be a maybe if I budgeted for it out of my tax return or something.


So, is it possible? Maybe. I'll be able to pay off my car next year but not until towards the end of the year and that would free up a fairly nice sum of money, but can I do it until then? And if I try and it doesn't work out, I don't know if I could get the 10 hours back with the one job, or add it to the other job. But that's fear talking. So I ask myself again, is it possible?

So I think I'll leave it to this right now. This is what's most on my mind. And I've gotta figure this out. So prayer time, lots of thinking time, and maybe an answer will come.