The New Year...the New Me?

I was prepared to start this year with ambitious, yet attainable, goals. With clearly defined and outlined plans to achieve these goals and the desire and motivation to start working on the plan. Like many people, I saw the end of, not only a year but a decade, as an opportunity to look at where I was, where I wanted to be, and to evaluate how to continue moving towards where I want to go. With weeks to go in 2009, I was feeling compelled and confident in some small steps I was already taking. Exercising more, eating better, organizing, and spending specific and deliberate time with my children.

I felt God confirming these thoughts, feelings, and plans for me when my pastor's sermon on the last Sunday of 2009 was on "How to Live an Intentional Life". He had simple, but for me, thought provoking comments. It started with the statement "Your past events in life should not make your future." Of course not, I thought. That's simple and so clear. But then I looked at my life and the decisions I was making everyday and I saw, very clearly, how I was still letting past events in my life determine my future. Things that I should've let go of, changed, improved upon, were all there. Impacting me, preventing me, and challenging me to stay stuck in the same spot I had always been in.

My pastor went on to state that "Anything that is worth anything in life must be done intentionally." Again I thought, again, of course. But once again I stopped and asked myself how am I doing that? What am I doing with intentionality to take my life where I want it to be? He gave a few clear and, again, simple steps: 1) Identify your priorities; 2) Invest in these specifically; and 3) Invest in them EVERYDAY. And that's when it hit me. It's not only about figuring out what's important, because I've done that and that really hasn't changed in years. My priorities have been (to put them simply) Faith; Family; Ministry; and Health. And each year, and each month, and maybe even each week, I think about these and what I'd like to see happen with them. I have daydreams, both grand and small, about what it looks like to succeed or achieve goals in each of these areas. But I wasn't consistently and specifically investing in them. And I certainly wasn't doing it daily. I left church that day with renewed hope and passion, and the certainty that God was prompting me and showing me that I was finally there, finally ready to live the life he has in store for me.

I started right away, I figured why wait for the new year? That's just a date, just an excuse to wait. I began a few organization projects that, once completed, would free up both mental and physical energy and allow me to more fully focus on more important topics. I signed Joshua up for an activity and made alternative plans for Samantha so that he and I could have regular and intentional time together. I was eating better and not feeling deprived, I exercised and was excited to do it again. I truly felt both an internal physical shift as well as a psychological shift of readiness. I couldn't wait for 2010! Not because the date change would change anything specific,but it just seemed so exciting to be moving forward, and such a significant date change seemed to go with that.

But boy, has 2010 gotten off to a different start than I imagined. On New Year's Eve, I recieved a call from a good friend of mine stating that she was going to be admitted on a 5150 hold to the psychiatric hospital due to suicidal ideation. Although very sad for her, I've gone this route with other friends and family members and knew that this was probably going to be good for her ultimately and that, it would take time, but she would be okay. I, of course, continued to love and support her during this time (visiting and calling), only to have that questioned and villified by her family for being 'devisive' and 'taking her away from them' and asking me what I wanted from her. I began to question myself almost and wonder what was so wrong with offering support and love to someone who needs it and deserves it just for being who she is, and to truly wonder if I was wrong. I talked to another friend of mine today and she pointed out the fact that this family clearly doesn't know 'how' to love one another (which was confirmed by the family listing all the monetary ways they've 'loved' this person) and cannot understand how or why I would care about this person the way I do. That was so profound for me (and probably something I would've seen if not for being so close to the situation, thank God for good friends) and allowed me to release the sadness and anger I was feeling towards this family and the situation.

Additionally, already this year, I had a friend, who's a few months younger than me, with three children (4, 3, and 3 months) experience a heart attack on the 2nd and come very, very close to dying. This is a young woman in seemingly good health with no known risk factors who, doctors say, would have lost her life had she come in a few minutes later. When I recieved the call I prayed for her, and then sat in fear and wonder about her and how this could happen. Thankfully she is going to be okay, but since the first of this year, my spirit has stuttered a bit.

I realized how much everything was impacting me as I realized I wasn't sleeping well, and was pretty stressed, but wasn't entirely sure why. Both my friends were going to be okay and the rest of the drama would resolve itself, but for some reason I was anxious and stressed none-the-less. So my energy has been sapped, my motivation dropped, and everything just seemed overwhelming. So I'm taking a day or two to rest and get it all together, and to put this all away like it should be and hopefully see things come back together to where I was just a week or two ago.