Steps

Today was the day that I signed all the paperwork involved in the adoption process with my children. It was amazing. As the knock came at the door and the county's adoption social worker arrived, my heart began to beat faster and I was filled with joy and excitement over what was about to come. As we sat and chatted, waiting for the agency adoption worker and my friend (who was going to take pictures) I looked at the pile of files she had and realized how significantly my life was going to and had already changed.

I've been a foster mother for 3 years now, but today I became an adoptive placement mother. It's semantics and doesn't change what I do day to day, but it feels so differently. When I picked up my children from school, I looked at them and realized that the step I took today meant forever, not only for me, but for them too. Joshua won't have to go to another house again, and he won't have to wonder if he or his sister is leaving whenever we have a visit by the county social worker. Samantha will never have to know another mother besides me. We are truly going to be a family.

As I signed the multiple forms and copies of forms, I realized that my dreams were coming true. From the time I was a young child I have known one thing in life, that I wanted to be a mom. I babied and cared for my dolls like cherished children; changing them, feeding them, singing and loving on them. As I grew up I dreamed of making a home, having a husband and children and creating a family. I even imagined having a little boy and a little girl, hoping the boy would be older because every little girl needs a big brother. My life seemed to be heading in that direction, and when my marriage started to crack and eventually fall apart, I wondered how I was supposed to make that happen. When I realized I was being called to share my heart and home with foster children I still didn't fully think of adopting as an option for me as a single mother. It wasn't part of 'my plan'.

It's funny now, when I think about 'my plans' and how God must be chuckling up in heaven at all the plans we make, wondering when we're just going to stop and listen for His plans. Well, I should have realized early on that God's plan was a little different from my own. You see, I was only supp0sed to have little girls as foster children. That's what I requested and that's what I told people I would probably get. I had so many clothes sent to me by friends for little girls and I was ready to love and spoil them when they came. Then my first little guy came and I thought, okay, I got into fostering to provide a home for a child in need and if a little boy needs me then so be it. Then, he left and my next little boy came and I though, hmm...Lord why am I only getting boys. Where's my girl??

Around this time I started to wonder if I should truly start to consider adoption because I hadn't finished ending my marriage (nothing was happening, and we apparently are a little lazy or something about it) and I obviously hadn't met anyone else and was beginning to wonder if I was running out of time to have the family I wanted. I began to think that I could adopt a little girl, and could handle that without a husband if I needed to. Well, lo and behold, as soon as I decided this, I was FINALLY presented with an opportunity to get a little girl. She was a lot younger than I had originally considered (I thought I should only take toddlers so infants wouldn't have to go to daycare) but she was available and possibly heading towards adoption. So I jumped at the chance. Of course then I discovered what God had been preparing me for. They told me that she had an older brother and the county wanted to place them together.


Just like that I had my little boy and my little girl. But as with most things, it wasn't as simple as that. We've had many ups and downs, many times when I was terrified that they were going to be sent back to their biological parent(s). Other times I wondered what I was supposed to do if they weren't. Times when I wondered how I was going to manage to care for them and love them and provide for them everything that they need. I was always so worried about being what I thought they needed me to be. Again, I think God was often chuckling at me and waiting for me to just stop and trust Him; to realize that He was always going to be not only what I needed but what they needed. And that He would give me what I needed in order to give them what they needed. And when I finally did this, things started to click along and, although not always smooth, I truly began to see the light and that this could really happen.

So today, as I signed those forms I realized again, that God has known all along what he was doing and he was preparing me for just this moment. I wasn't meant to have my little girl until right now, and that my previous little boys were helping me to be ready for this little guy. I still struggle with believing that I can be as good a boy mommy as I can a girl mommy, but I know that I love these two precious gifts from God more than I could possibly ever have known. I am so happy and so blessed. In a few months it will be complete and final (legally) and I am so thrilled. What a difference a year (give or take) makes and how amazing it is the way God so carefully and amazingly orchestrates every step.