I've been thinking about the idea of vulnerability a lot lately. I don't know that I've ever been completely vulnerable with anyone, and although I don't know exactly what that would feel like, I have been feeling like I am missing out on something. In completing my adoption home study, I've had to share and explore a lot of my life and things that I would consider private. I suppose I could've been a little less forthcoming with all the information, after all, they don't know one thing from the next, but I really wanted to just lay it all out. For good or for bad, I didn't want to have to think about what I was saying. Now luckily, I don't have any major skeletons in my closet, and it's easy to be honest in a homestudy that no one (at least no one that knows me) will have access to. But it started me thinking about why I hold back so much.
Even in this blog, I haven't really done much with it, and only one person really knows that I have a blog. But really, what's the point of having something like this if I don't write, really write about my life. After all, that's the title of this whole thing. And when I read the blogs of my friends, I'm so impressed with their honesty and ability to be vulnerable. But I think I've always been too concerned with the opinion of others, and I'm just wondering why. What's the point? Why should they matter? Even in a previous post, I think I wrote about how I couldn't even be vulnerable with God, and kept separate journals. Really! As if God doesn't know it all anyway.
But this thing about vulnerability, I think about it a lot. I'll be hanging out with a friend and know that...not that I'm lying, but just that I'm holding back. I'm completely aware of this, but don't know how to change it. I want to, but just don't quite know how. And if I'm actually going to head into new relationships, I really have to figure this out. I don't want to let the past invade the future, but thinking about how much it hurts to be open to someone and then hurt by them, well, it certainly puts a dent in the desire to do it all over again. But I think I'm there. I'm ready. I want to be who I am, whatever that may look like. I'm going to figure out how to do that because it's suddenly become very important to me.
Crispy & Juicy Air Fryer Chicken Legs
10 hours ago
2 comments:
Hmmmmm.... growing up is hard to do. Consider the fact, that if you never love, you never lose.. but... you have never loved and than, in and of itself is one BIG loss. It is the same with showing someone who you really are. If you never open up, you can't really get very close and then you miss out on that experience. It is hard to bare your soul, and you certainly have to choose who to do it with. I learned a while ago, that if someone doesn't like me for who I REALLY am, then there is not really a reason for them to be in my life. Take me as I am, or leave me be.
Tough stuff to be certain, but there are people that you can trust and there will be times that you get hurt, it's just part of life. You will heal and you will get better at it with practice. It's like learning to roller skate, you will wobble, you will fall down and you will cry. But, you will get back up and eventually, you will even learn to skate backwards and go FAST!!! Maybe, you just need to pad your butt with toilet paper for now, to cushion the fall. (it is handy for wiping away tears, too)
love you
Yvonne-I love when you read my blog because I know I'm going to get something so valuable in reply (and usually funny too!) Thanks for your thoughts, they're very appreciated!
M
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