Too much to think about...

This is one of those moments and times when I have no other release for all the thoughts and feelings going on inside of me so I figure here, where few to no people read is the place. My journal's at home, I can't write it in FB, too many church friends/family read that, and there doesn't feel like there's anyone to talk to.


I just had the worst morning with my little guy today. It's actually been so many tough days, that I can't even begin to feel okay. I hurt so much. For him, for me, for his sister. It sucks that his parents have rights that get put above and beyond what's best for him. He's falling apart, after each and every contact with his bio family, he's falling apart. He screams at the top of his lungs, hits, kicks, spits, throws things, and jumps around so crazily that I worry he's going to hurt himself.

What makes it harder still is the fact that I know he wants to do well. He wants to be loved and to love others, but because of his past and experiences, he doesn't always know how to go about getting what he needs. And I end up feeling so helpless and useless because I don't know how to be what he needs sometimes. How do I turn and lovingly take care of him and his needs after he's just wolloped me in the face? I want to and I manage (mostly) to be appropriately responsive to his aggression and outbursts, but sometimes I just want to turn him over my knee and give him a good spanking. Now, I can't, too many rules and regulations about that, and generally speaking, I don't believe spankings are effective forms of discipline, but, I have to say that sometimes...

I have so much anger and frustration now. Towards this situation, towards the court system, his parents, it goes on and on. How much time and how many chances should parents get. When kids are so young and clearly suffering, when do their needs come first? Why do we follow some generic court plan when it's clear that this plan is not only hurting, but also damaging these kids? I love being a foster parent, and love being able to give to a child in need, but right now, I almost wish I didn't have the calling for it. I love these kids like they're my own, and I have to stand by and watch them be emotionally hurt because it's in the court order, because the parents are 'doing what they were court ordered to do', but those court orders can't create a good parent. And I'm so tired of 'good enough' parents.

I really just wish I had someone to share this with, to walk throgh this with, and to help me deal with and raise these little ones. It's been my biggest fear and concern when I think of adopting, the knowledge that kids do so much better in two parent homes (in general), and that as a single mother, I'm adopting (possibly) knowing that they won't have that. Maybe in the future, but until then, what? I was raised by a single mother, and she did a great job, but I know some of what I was missing. And if I do adopt, how much (if any) contact with bio family is good? Too many questions, and too many thoughts rolling in my head.

And with all that said, it's back to work.