Missing Church

It's Sunday morning and I am sitting in the backyard writing a post for my blog. The church service I usually attend started 12 minutes ago, and I'm currently wearing sweats and an old t-shirt watching my kids play in the yard. I wonder what song they're singing and who is preaching. I think it's Alan, since his last day at the church is in two weeks and I'm sort of wishing I had forced myself to go to church today since this will be the last time in a long while that he will probably be at the church to preach and he's a great preacher.

But force myself is what I would've had to do to go to church today. I just wasn't feeling it today. They say that's when you should really go, when you really don't want to. But this morning I thought of all the reasons I didn't feel like it:

1. I was tired. Well, I'm tired everyday and that's not likely to change. And it's not like I'm sleeping in anyway, right?

2. My kids had had little to no time to play and relax so far this weekend. We were busy Friday night with Samantha's dress rehearsal, then all day Saturday running errands and shopping, and then today was going to be set up as first church, then lunch, then nap, then getting Samantha ready for her recital, and then the recital and then dinner and bed. I wanted them to play this morning.

3. It's day two of my period and that's the worse day. Enough said.

4. I miss being unknown. Being in a large ministry role and quasi-staff role at the church removes an anonymity and I have to be "on" whenever I'm in church. I just feel "off" today.

5. I want to start some work on a yard project I'm interested in. Of course I'm not really working on the project at all right now, not to say I can't start in a minute...

So those are just a few of the reasons or thoughts that went through my head as I lay in bed this morning waiting for my Princess, sleeping next to me to wake up. Or as I pretend to sleep each time Joshua comes to my room because I don't want to get up and 'deal' yet. And as all these thoughts go through my head I also keep an eye on the countdown clock going on in my head. The one that keeps saying you have 30 minutes before it'll be too late to get up and make it. You have 20 minutes before it'll be to late to get up and make it. You have 5 minutes before it'll be too late to get up and make it. And then...well, it's too late. I never actively made the decision but my non-decision was the decision.

And then the guilt starts. Is there ever a good reason to skip church? Well, sure, illness, trips out of town, emergencies, etc. Today certainly does not qualify as any of these, so now I'm sort of feeling badly. When the kids ask if we're going to church and I say "No, Mommy's not feeling too well." Although it's the truth...I certainly could've gotten us there.

So, here we are, the kids are playing outside, we've had bowls of cereal for breakfast, and I'm updating this neglected blog, and have downloaded a new book for my kindle. And I keep thinking, 'we should've just gone to church'. But I can't deny I'm happy to be home. It's a conundrum for me today. Well, there's always next week. We'll definitely make it next week. :)